Nervous about meeting your quarantine sweetheart because the only thing he drops more than his boxers is his mask? No worries, our trusty old wingman Zoom is here to help. If you have a hot guy on Tinder from Apple Beta Pi, be sure to follow these tips.
Turn off all of the lights in your room.
If you’re worried about your date finding you attractive or not — why take the risk? Just sit in a completely dark room. If you can’t achieve the sultry aura of the void, just turn your camera off. Nothing is sexier than a black screen. It’s what keeps your professors coming back every time! If your date asks if you can turn a light or your camera on, just tell them you’re not wearing anything. It adds to the mystery. If they’re really persistent, just turn your camera or light off and on really quickly and repetitively to give them the strobe effect of a sexy rave — unless they have epilepsy.
Get up close and personal with the microphone.
The only thing sexier than a black screen — a black screen and heavy breathing. You have to be careful to get the right kind of date, preferably a closested serial killer or someone who really loved the PACER test, in order to really wow them with this one-in-a-million trick. Your mouth-to-microphone ratio will simulate what a hot and heavy moment might be like for you and your date, so you definitely need to get as close to the microphone as possible on your computer or phone. In fact, if you’re Zooming on your phone, just put it inside your mouth to simulate a nice smooch.
Bad wifi connection makes for a good heart-to-heart connection
Ensure that you have the WiFi connection of a prison inmate on Alcatraz. If you’re in the quarantine dorms — it’s basically the same thing! The pinnacle of hotness is when your Zoom screen glitches and it draws out your words in a really weird electronic moan. This is perfect if your date is into anything sci-fi or EDM. If the sexual tension between you and the “leave meeting” button becomes more than the sexual tension between you and Brad or Jessica, just click it — especially if your date is mid-sentence. This will make them want more of you — because surely it just must’ve been your “bad connection”that made the Zoom call drop.
If you’re meeting with multiple suitors, be sure to create personal breakout rooms for each one so you can cycle through them throughout the night. Zoom really lessens the physical fatigue of speed dating. No more walking from table to table, and if you’re not a fan of the way your date’s face is blurred in their Zoom screen, just cycle on through to the next candidate. If they start to talk to each other in a private chat, they’re definitely going to be talking about how sexy you are.
Reaction Emoji Pillow Talk
On the chance that you are self-conscious about your voice, try only using Zoom’s reaction emojis to communicate. If your date says something really sexy, make sure to only respond with the clapping hands so they know you’re really feeling it. Another cool feature of Zoom is that you can rearrange the screens. Make sure your partner knows who’s on top from the get-go by arranging your screen on top of theirs (or on the bottom if you’re more the submissive type). Alternatively, just put your screen in front of theirs entirely so you can just stare at your own sexy face — everyone knows who you’re really looking at on all those meetings.
With all these tips, you’re sure to be Zooming on to a real date in no time. In reality, be safe this Valentine’s Day and have a COVID-19-friendly night in with your special someone (who is hopefully not a serial killer).