Gamertags

Xbox gamertags, Apr. 6, 2019.

As a recent PlayStation owner and born-again gamer, navigating the technology that has evolved from GameBoy and the first Nintendogs is a bit of a learning curve. Your fingers have to maneuver both toggle switches in order to look and walk at the same time. You move the left switch too far forward, and your helpless avatar is stuck running in a corner until OwlScreecher69 puts you out of your glitching misery.

The pressure isn’t just centered around not being that person to die in “Battlefield V” by blowing yourself up with your own dynamite, or learning the building mechanism in “Fortnite”(solution: stop playing “Fortnite”).

What really matters is your gamertag — your new identity in a technological utopia. Think about how you would want the world of sleep-deprived, red-eyed strangers to perceive you, since the opinions of people on the internet matter. Grappling with a name that matched my true self was intense, and through many hours of heavy research and first-person shooter gaming, I have discovered these foolproof formulas to gamertag conception that can help anyone struggling to find their own unique identity.

Favorite food/drink + Daddy

I can’t take complete credit for this one; DietMountainDaddy was the true inspiration. A true wizard with the R-301 Carbine Assault Rifle, he was my first teammate in “Apex Legends that had over three total kills. He couldn’t hear my squad since our mics were off, but he talked as if we were a secret journal, spilling tales of a love interest with a girl from Applebee’s and singing the best of Mariah Carey (I think). Implementing poetic language in your gamertag is a great way of showing that you are an unemployed creative writing major without going to an open mic night. Perhaps he was inspired by the cavity-inducing soda pop, or maybe an ode to Lana Del Rey’s “Diet Mountain Dew,” or he just couldn’t think of another word to combine with his kink, since I am sure Daddy by itself was already taken. If you are reading this, DietMountainDaddy, your bold flavor and lyricism is commendable, but you should stop chewing gum directly into the mic.

Anything with dank, blaze it, stoner or 420

What if it’s not just a phase? What if an unoriginal stoner that actually smokes spice is who you are? Incorporating marijuana stereotypes into a gamertag shows loyalty to your group of high school stoner friends because “best buds forever.” However, this is only recommended for gamers under the age of 14, since anyone else will be subjected to public shaming and immediate banishment. If you want to make things more unique, use your full name or your Social Security number in combination with any of these dank words.

Anything sexual + last two numbers of your birth year

Nothing makes gamers more turned on than to see someone born after 2005 with the gamertag  “IForgotToPull0ut5.” Just google “sexual stuff” and the internet will explode with millions of options for your gamertag, from positions to famous porn videos. If that’s too boring for you, perhaps combine pop culture references with sexual explorations, such as “ObiwannaBoneYou96.” If you are looking for anything gross and perverted, check out Reddit and make sure your birth year is after 2001.

Your name/sex organ + random numbers replacing letters

I can see you now: sitting in your bean bag chair, your Adidas slides over white socks, navigating to the screen where you make your profile. With the millions of words that could come to mind, you probably think penis, maybe vagina since it would be unexpected. To your dismay, it’s taken, but don’t scrap that idea. Just replace the letters with similar looking numbers, like “P3N15” — you can even do the same for your name, especially if you have an incredibly boring and generic white girl name, like Rachel or R4cH31.

However, I chose to not follow any of these models, because I knew immediately what it should be. I wanted something that epitomized my identity while still being true to my roots and journey: “Pugluva4eva,” representing my love for pugs and inability to create a professional email at 13 years old. Greatness Awaits.

Lifestyles staff writer

Lifestyles Writer at Collegiate Times

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