(Opinion) Toys R Us

Shoppers scramble for Black Friday deals at a Toys "R" Us on November 23, 2017, in Doral, Fla.

Editor’s note: This piece was written with satirical intent.

For one day a year, Americans get to experience what may be the greatest tradition in modern history: Black Friday. While not every person takes part in this cherished holiday, those that do take it upon themselves to really get the most out of it. If you dare to venture out to your favorite store on the fourth Friday of November, you need to be prepared for all of the various characters you may run into. This article may be the survival guide you need to not only make it out unscathed, but maybe even get that 55-inch TV you’ve been dreaming about all year.

 

Mr. and Mrs. Clean (Threat level: 1/10)

In the last two years, a new challenger has entered the fray. Outfitted in their home-made hazmat suits, this quarantining couple is making one of their rare trips outside since the start of the pandemic. You shouldn’t have much trouble if you encounter these shoppers, because more than anyone else, they do not want a confrontation. As long as you stay six feet away from these shoppers and wear your mask, they will mean no trouble to you at all. 

The Camper (Threat level: 2/10)

One of the staples of any Black Friday, “The Camper” is one of the least-threatening shoppers you will encounter on your journey. “The Camper” prides themselves on their determination and patience. They can be observed ditching their family for Thanksgiving dinner and not showing up to work for an entire week in order to set up camp to be sure that they are first in line for store opening. After sleeping in a tent and eating what seems to be no better than military rations for the past week, there's no telling what this shopper may do if you attempt to cross them. Under normal circumstances “The Camper” is relatively harmless, but if you attempt to cut in line, be prepared for an altercation. 

The Scalper (Threat level: 5/10)

Say goodbye to  the new PlayStation 5 or Xbox that you wanted, because while “The Scalper'' poses little to no physical threat, they will majorly threaten the availability of all the items you were looking to buy. The Scalpers don’t only pose a threat in physical retail stores, but on all of the digital sales as well. With their army of purchasing bots, they will make all good deals unattainable to those without inhuman reaction times and patience. A day later, you will find that same PS5 you attempted to buy up on a third party resale website for a 300% markup. The sad truth is, there is virtually no way to beat a scalper other than to just get lucky. If you aren’t able to get what you want the day of Black Friday, don’t give up, because there will always be cracks in the armor of those pesky purchasing bots, and when you find yourself with a brand new Xbox in your shopping cart, never let go of it.

The “Karen” (Threat level: 9/10)

On Thanksgiving night, nothing is scarier than the helicopter parent who has yet to start buying their children's Christmas presents. The “Karen” is the most ruthless shopper there is. You can easily spot one by their patented bob hairstyle and their propensity to ask for a manager. If you do happen to see one, do not engage under any circumstances. If you are between a “Karen” and the item they want, just let them have it, for your own safety. Whatever it is cannot be worth gaining the wrath of a sleep-deprived, bloodthirsty parent. There is only one way to stop a “Karen” when you have become their target, and that is by using their own trick against them. You must call a store manager to remove them from the scene. By that point, though, every item you wanted to buy will already be gone, so it’s best to just stay as far away from them as possible.

Only those who can give up what they cherish most are able to walk away with their spoils. Black Friday is not an ordeal for the faint of heart, but for one day a year, let out your inner beast and step into the warzone, because you deserve that 55-inch TV, and you will do anything to get your hands on it.

 

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