Dairy Cows

Cattle roaming on the fields near Plantation Road, March 24, 2019.

Valentine’s Day is fast approaching and you were too concerned with not remembering the existence of Valentine’s Day that you forgot to think of a gift for your significant other. It also makes it so much more difficult to choose a gift because you lied to them when you first started dating –– saying that you were really creative and that you come up with the best presents ever, even for people you don’t know well.

If you’re reading this, you have found yourself in quite a situation. If you get the standard flowers and chocolates, they’re going to see right through your web of lies. Besides, you can’t ask them if they are allergic to chocolate because they will know something is up. Well, in all fairness, unless you’re dating a dog, chocolate is a pretty safe bet –– but it’s a lame gift.

Okay, it’s time to get creative. You have to get a Valentine’s gift that shows your admiration for your significant other, and it has to mean something to them. How about we go and get something based on their major? After all, Virginia Tech has a wide variety of students, and it’s the first question lame dudes ask people at parties.

College of Agriculture and Life Sciences 

If your significant other is studying agriculture of some kind, go right ahead to the nearest livestock auction. Whether you surprise them in their dorm room with a donkey, goat or cow, they will surely appreciate the fact that you went lengths to cover the floor in excrement. The smell will remind them of their field experience and when they first realized you were the one.

Repeat this if they are studying something in natural resources, except with frogs, worms and rare birds.

Pamplin College of Business

If your date isn’t much of an animal person and is majoring in business of some kind, think about why they wanted to major in business in the first place. This is gift-giving 101 advice. If they’re a business major, let them randomly text you for a referral on the Robinhood app so they get a free stock.

This “networking opportunity” will put them in the happy place of every Pamplin student: the line at Benny’s at two in the morning, telling everyone about how they’re going to start an e-commerce business with an emphasis on social media. They will have 17 cents of Morgan Stanley in their pocket and a renewed sense of hustling and grinding over their haters.

College of Science

Let’s say your date is a little more science-y. They study science in college, and you failed 11th grade biology. You did learn a little bit in chemistry though, and you know your partner is struggling in o-chem. If you want them to spend more time with you and less time studying, forget the movies. Take them on a tour of Southwest Virginia’s wooded areas. You might find a number of successful chemists who know plenty about science and your significant other will be spending more time with you in a matter of days.

College of Liberal Arts and Human Sciences

If your date is studying liberal arts, there are two ways to go about this, based on whether they are studying theory or practice. If they major in something that primarily involves reading, get them a job. Literally any job will do.

If they are reading themselves through their undergrad to move on to law school, alternatively get them a secretary. Yes, hire them a secretary now so they won’t have to worry about someone learning their schedules now. This will also aid you down the road if you two lovebirds get into a fight. The secretary will be able to keep them on hold for you until the human resources team you hired for their birthday arrives.

If their liberal arts degree involves communication or performance of some kind, be sure to get them something that they can talk to endlessly regardless of how many hours it has  been. The answer is simple: a dog or a cat. Nothing says you love someone more than signing them up with a furry 10- to 20-year commitment.

College of Architecture and Urban Studies

So, your date is an architecture major. They are quite secretive, so it might be hard to tell what they want for Valentine’s Day. You could play to the mystery though and get them clothes –– black clothes. The more black turtlenecks and slacks in an architect’s wardrobe the happier the architect –– it’s an old saying.

College of Engineering

If you’re still reading this, that means your significant other must be an engineering major. This might seem like the hardest demographic to get a Valentine’s gift for, but it is actually quite easy. Just give them a hug. They just need a hug sometimes, and maybe a little soap.

Well, now that you have the perfect gift suggestions for your significant other, have a wonderful Valentine’s Day at Virginia Tech.

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