Killing a bug

A Virginia Tech student killing a fly that got a little too close to her food, May 4, 2019

Spring has officially sprung which means baseball is back, the finish line for the school year is in sight and campus squirrels are getting nice and fat all over again. The only problem with this glorious part of the semester is the abundance of pests that come in all shapes and sizes. These spawns of Satan torment us in more ways than we could imagine, and they overrun us before we know it.

How do they continue to ravage our dorms, apartments and will to live? The simple answer is that they get inside our heads. They know us –– they know what makes us tick. Using a flyswatter or a can of bug spray isn’t going to get under the bug’s skin –– that’s exactly what they want you to do. We have to get creative and think like the pests themselves. I have shared and explained a series of creative and highly strategic ways to become a bug assassin overnight.

Smoke

Following ancient culture’s strategy, including actions such as weaponizing Greek fire to impenetrable phalanx positions, the first step into eradicating the winged nuisances is to create smoke. Lots of smoke. In fact, fill your entire living space with smoke. Doing this will choke out even the largest creature’s lungs. The bugs will die horribly, and the neighbors will just assume you’re really into vaping.

Predators

Let nature do its job. Invite an appropriate number of spiders into the house, and they will surely do what they were born to do –– eat flies with a terrifying smile on their faces. The only problem that comes with this method is that the flies will run out, and the hungry spiders will soon turn against you.

Zen and the art of insect extermination

This is where you channel your inner Ralph Macchio and listen to Mr. Miyagi. Take your chopsticks and wait. The fly will come to you, Daniel-san. When the fly comes around to spectate you while you appear to be meditating, catch it before it realizes you are faking. In true Zen philosophy, this is a catch and release operation. Until we meet next time, flies.

Magic Powers

Have you ever wanted to blast insects out of the sky with a telepathic control of physics? Sell your soul to the devil. As finals season approaches, you were probably considering this already, and you only have one soul. Ask for a few magic powers while you’re at it, like a way to kill flies with mind control. They won’t stand a chance.

The classic bait and concussion trick

This trick will surely send any fly, gnat or wasp back to the great beyond. Place some potato chips on the kitchen counter. Place a shot glass full of tequila next to the salt. Then, place a small twig next to the shot glass and in front of it, be sure to place a hard item, like a textbook.

The creature will take the bait and consume the salt. Becoming thirstier with every bite, the bug will want to hydrate. Mistaking the clear Mexican alcohol for water, the pest will become incredibly drunk. Leaving the shot glass, the fly will surely trip over the twig and land headfirst into the textbook, giving it a deadly concussion.

Fire

Are none of these solutions practical for your situation? Here’s a mindful solution –– kill every pest with fire. Did you let too many spiders in the house? Fire. Ants on the kitchen counter? Fire. The best way to conduct this procedure is of course to shoot the fire out of a device, such as a flamethrower. Don’t have money for a flamethrower? Lighters and spray cans work. Bonus points if you use bug spray as the flammable substance.

Now that you’ve burned your house down, you can look at the bright side. You have effectively exterminated every bug in the building without spending a dime. Generations upon generations of annoying pests will fail to be born because of you, and you will never spend a second being tried for war atrocities. You have truly become Lord of the Flies.