He Said
In my opinion, and that of my testosterone-filled constituency, this week’s topic is an important one: feminine hygiene.
Most of you ladies probably just sighed through your teeth (that’s what I’m here for), but Rachel and I spent a lot of time talking this one over, trading sloppy secrets of the opposite sex; and I definitely made her cringe a few times. However, all of you ovary-filled vixens can be just as disgusting, if not more so, than any guy I’ve ever met.
Since we’re so conveniently on the subject of ovaries, I’m going to start by swinging for the fences. Menstruation. Is there anything more appetizing? Not for my money. Yet, however mouth-watering it may be, every guy gets used to that week of rest and relaxation and well … you know what else we look forward to. But, regardless of whether you want to say it’s natural or it’s beautiful, it’s definitely unhygienic, especially if you live with a dog.
Any guy that’s ever been with a girl who owns a dog knows one thing: used tampons attract dogs like moths to an open flame. There’s nothing more unhygienic and irksome than walking in to see a pad or two shredded about the living room because Fido felt like doing a red blood cell count. I know you girls can barely stand seeing your roommate’s discarded versions on the top of the trash, so imagine — if only for a moment — what this is like for a guy. Luckily, there’s a hygienic solution.
Next time it’s your time and toxic shock is peering around the corner, I want you to take that thing and put it in a plastic bag. Next, spray that bag with Febreze. After that, bury it at the bottom of the ocean. Your roommates, your boyfriend and your carpet will thank you.
I admit it’s easy to pick on girls when it comes to hygiene. And that’s largely thanks to the fantastic double standard guys hold. While you’d really appreciate if we could shave our faces regularly, it just takes too much time. Plus, we could care less because you’ll still fall for us regardless.
However, if you think for a second you’re going to score a guy without smooth legs, pits, and you-know-whats, think again. I don’t care if it’s winter. It’s gross. Get over it. Take care of it. We’re all tired of cutting our hands and/or tongues on your thighs — enough said. Well, one more thing — unclog that drain.
I know these double standards are a pain, but you have to understand this is how guys work. We want you to be or, at least, seem as pristine as possible. I mean we even tell ourselves that girls don’t go number two, and I hope you’ll all help perpetuate that myth. So, is it that hard to think that we want girls that take care of themselves regardless of how many week-old slices of pizza we eat or few showers we take or wounds we neglect to nurse? The point is, take care of yourselves ladies and we’ll take care of you — even if we don’t take care of ourselves.
She Said:
I think it’s safe to say that most parents raise their children hoping they’ll have a good sense of cleanliness. From day one, we’re taught to always wash our hands after using the bathroom. Companies even created disgustingly-flavored toothpaste to ease the terrible monotony a five-year-old faces from brushing his or her teeth with mint paste everyday. We even get to see our favorite Sesame Street characters half-naked as they remind us that bathing is fun – especially when a rubber ducky is involved. So why now, 15 some-odd years later, is bathing, grooming and neatness such a difficult task for some guys?
Just because mommy isn’t around, doesn’t mean you don’t have to do your laundry, wash the dishes or take out the garbage.
Let’s start with the subject of laundry. While some people think this arduous task requires a degree in rocket science, you are incorrect, and when I say incorrect, I mean lazy. If you don’t know how to do laundry, then I’m really not sure how you’re attending this university or any university for that matter.
Nothing is more disgusting than dirty bed sheets. So, what to do? Yes, buy dark navy blue or black sheets; they’ll hide the dirt — perfect. No and no. Just because you do not see the dirt does not mean they’re not dirty. See, we have these five things called senses. One of the strongest of these five is the sense of smell. Nothing turns a girl off more than dirty, smelly sheets.
“Hey baby, come lay on the sheets I haven’t washed since school started.”
Yes, please, take me now.
Towels go along with sheets. What’s the point in taking a shower if you’re just going to dry yourself off with a gross old towel? The odor from a mildew-infested towel is much stronger than that of dirty sheets and is completely unsanitary. And no, Febreze cannot help you here.
I’ll give it to Collin Ferrell and Brad Pitt; their five o’clock shadows are definitely sexy. Unfortunately, just because you’re male doesn’t mean you maintain Brad Pitt status. Most girls will agree a five o’clock shadow is indeed sexy, but the guy wearing it must have fully gone through puberty. Splotches of hair are not attractive. Do you like splotches of hair on our legs? If you can’t pull off the “rough day” look then don’t, or at least wait until your body has fully blossomed.
All good things eventually must come to an end, and this philosophy holds true no matter how lucky your underwear, boxers, boxer briefs or whichever undergarments you choose to wear is. Everyone values luck, I understand that, but I don’t understand why you would wear underwear that could rip at even the mere thought of a wedgie. Your lucky underwear may not get you so lucky after all.
So wash your sheets and towels – let’s leave the ringworm to the wrestling mats. Spare a little change for new undies and you’ll feel like a new man, or maybe just a clean one — it’s still progress. Please step out of the Stone Age and your homo-sapien lifestyle. We women like clean men.
