Collegiate Times

Last week I watched as the pillar of democratic rule that the United States claims as its illustrious foundation crumbled to the ground.

At approximately 11:30 p.m. Thursday night, Stephen Colbert, my only hope for the world, America's saving grace, the only man capable of returning our nation to its former glory, announced that he would not be appearing on the South Carolina republican ballot.

In a world where human life is so easily tossed aside, who is to restore the moral fortitude that composes the core of American values?

Colbert is a man of the people. A warrior for the downtrodden, Colbert has fought voraciously to return the sense of morality that Capitol Hill has lost during the Democrat's control of Congress.

A firm believer in the infallibility of our fearless leader and Christ-figure, George W. Bush, Colbert has been an advocate for the sweeping reforms that are necessary to transform our country into the great beacon of moral responsibility that we embodied, say, during the McCarthy era.

If victorious, Colbert had hoped to usher out the scourge of potential modernity and progress that plague our government.

Alas, we find ourselves let down again. I watched as this great man, this seemingly invincible icon of conservative values fell apart at the hands of the South Carolina Democratic Executive Council. If the modest $35,000 requirement set forth by the South Carolina GOP hadn't prevented Colbert from running on the Republican ticket, we might have been able to hope for a better tomorrow.

Unfortunately, South Carolina's rag-tag band of degenerate democrats insisted on erecting another roadblock to democracy. Nation, we are in a bad way.

Universal health care, equal rights for all walks of life and sustainable global peace are some of the many issues that bedevil the global community today.

Colbert knows this, and had he been able to run victoriously, our great nation would have taken the forefront in the fight against modernization.

Under the guise of spreading liberal democracy, America would have taken the lead in establishing a global political economy, the United World of America, with Emperor Colbert I at its throne. Unfortunately, the party-poopers within South Carolina's Democratic Council decided to ruin the fun. Leave it to the liberals.

So, what do we do now? Colbert garnered well over one million members in his unofficial Facebook group, "1,000,000 Strong for Stephen Colbert." Ladies and gentlemen, he's got the fan base, but the political machine continues to push against Colbert's unwavering march towards the autocracy that Bush just couldn't pull off.

Now, we can only hope for the best as Hillary Clinton, the cyborg warrior princess, sweeps national polls and shows a healthy potential for becoming the second female president in the history of democracy.

We lie, bereft of motivation, ashamed at the state of our American dream while the folks in charge sit back and watch our aspirations fade into the abyss.

America has a longstanding tradition for fighting for what's right. Whether in the jungles of Vietnam, the sands of the Middle East, or (don't rule it out) the mountains of Pakistan, the U.S. has a holy mission to spread the message of democracy and freedom to the world, whether you like it or not.

This process would have been all but completed had an upstanding and charismatic right wing idealist such as Colbert assumed the throne, but instead we lie in wait as the American dream disintegrates at the hands of progress. Nation, goodbye and good luck. At this rate, tomorrow could be the end.