He said, she said: Taking a stab at Joe Biden

Thursday, October, 23, 2008; 11:06 PM | 72 | | Print

by Bethany Buchanan, Topher Forhecz, CT features staff

She said

Democratic vice presidential candidate Joe Biden is shadier than an oak in the middle of a bright, sunny, global-warming-induced-atmosphere-deprecating summer day in Virginia Beach.

Why? Oh ho, I'll tell you why.

After Google-surfing my prey, I've come across a couple questionable qualities and quotes from our potential VP.

First of all, he is hot. Seriously, for an old guy in his 60s, he is freakin' on fire. People in politics are not meant to be so physically attractive -- think of the great damage incurred the last time a candidate was elected to the highest political office thanks to his uber-hunky physique. Picture it, the 1920s, the time when women finally earned the long-deprived right to vote. Ladies of the appropriate age and older scurried in their little shoes and elaborate hats to the polling booths, where they proudly put their check next to their candidate of choice for the first time ever.

And who won? Warren Harding, aka arguably the most useless president in United States history (save for the one who's about to get the boot). To whom did they attribute his victory? Women who voted for him because they thought he was cute.

Yes, we've come a long way since then, but hot damn. History could repeat itself, and the fact that it jeopardizes our precious future warrants an extensive order to reevaluate our priorities and those who promise to follow through with them. Ladies, don't let those adorable blue eyes, gorgeous white smile and talks of spring time in Delaware delude you into believing that he will single-handedly save the polar bears.

Second, he is old and feeble. I already mentioned that he is in his 60s, and to make things even worse, Biden almost died in 1988 when he had an aneurysm below the base of his brain. He has apparently recovered since then, but do we really want our VP to have to worry about the threat of North Korea, Iran and Pakistan and struggle to keep his blood pressure down? My friends, that would just be cruel; that's simply impossible. He'd boil faster than water in Colorado (which is so high up in the mountains that it boils around 76 degrees Celsius). Besides, it's not like he's president or anything. Just vice president. Republican presidential candidate John McCain surely has his health issues, but I'm pretty sure he sold his soul to the devil to not only to stay alive but also give him all the help he can get when it comes to gaining the quintessential support of the Christian coalition. That's what being a maverick is all about, anyway.

In addition to his hotness and sketchy health, Biden has committed two cardinal sins of college life. One, he was caught plagiarizing a paper during law school. In his own book, "Promises to Keep," he wrote: "Now, in addition to everything else, I had to answer for my screw-up in Legal Methods 22 years earlier," and "This was an academic mistake. I wasn't trying to hide it, why would I cite this article that no one else in the class found? I didn't cheat." This debacle occurred during his run for president in 1988 and actually was the reason for his withdrawal from the race. Seems like 1988 just wasn't his year.

Two, he is against lowering the drinking age to 18. "Absolutely no, I would not," said Biden during the Democratic primary debate at Dartmouth College on Sept. 6, 2007.
"The cost of alcoholism in America, the cost of accidents that flow from drunkenness, are astronomical. ... And the idea that we're going to suggest that it makes good sense to move the age down to 18 I find to be counterproductive." He must have been a really Debbie-downer at his college parties, if that's how he really feels; although, I'm sure he felt a little differently a zillion years ago when he was cheating his way through law school.

The unhealthy, plagiarizing hottie who is Joe Biden, despite his flaws, is still a considerable, intelligent force to be reckoned with.

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This is stupid | # October 24, 2008 @ 1:22 AM — Flag Comment

Is your intention to talk trash about a senator, or what? How about mentioning some of the positives of Biden instead of participating in a crusade of politicians? When has he mentioned someone named Skye? Maybe some research is in order , before you besmirch a sitting Senator.

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