He said:
Looking at Joe Biden for the first time, it's not hard to imagine him coming off of some reality show called "Senator's School" where James Carville is the ultra-slutty character, and whoever loses has to go hunting with Dick Cheney. The winners, of course, come out as sleeked down, professional senators with perfectly combed, glistening hair that could repel flames. They also have smiles so bright they can sear corneas; thus, Joe Biden shouldn't be allowed to smile anywhere near streets or in the vicinity of staring contests.
It's not just his physical looks that make Biden look like "Joe Washington;" it's also the way he talks. For one thing, Joe Biden likes to talk about Joe Biden like this when discussing Joe Biden. Should he not win the vice presidency, at least he knows he can call WWE RAW and get a job strutting out in spandex to Disturbed and handing out "Biden Cutters" to John Cena. Biden also seems to have the habit of inviting whomever he is addressing to come with him to places. Has anyone ever considered actually just saying "yes" when he asks you to go with him to Home Depot? Maybe Biden's just a little lonely -- maybe he wants to build a tree house.
Although it's nice to be able to hear a politician in an influential position issue a complete sentence with verbs, nouns and logic, Biden has a tendency to espouse verbal diarrhea. Biden can't seem to help saying things that are a little bizarre or slightly askew. For example, in June of 2006 Biden said, "You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin' Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent. ... I'm not joking" to an Indian-American supporter. From there the list goes on, and he even has some poorly worded quotes about Obama that could be pretty offensive depending on where you want to put a comma. C-SPAN isn't a bar where you can get salty and shoot off your prejudices, Biden. In the future you might want to work on this because we can't have vice presidents cracking jokes about blue Slurpees to the president of Pakistan.
Biden's positions are also his shortcomings. Most of his positions make him out as another old liberal hippie smoking his peace pipe, running around in a suit trying to get away with things such as letting rational, freethinking adults come closer to their spouses in civil union. If homosexuals having civil unions were OK, then Sarah Palin would have said so. She's learned. She wears glasses.
In terms of guns, Biden is in favor of limiting gun ownership and banning semi-automatic firearms. Big mistake, Biden; if anything we need more guns. Like Barack Obama proposing appropriate sexual education classes for younger ages, we should be doing the same with our kids and guns. I want my kid to be able to synthesize a fully functional Uzi out of sticks and aluminum foil. This is a necessary step since most of our forces are in Iraq. We need somebody here (our young children) in case the Canadians finally have too many Labatt Blues and get rowdy.
Finding new sources of energy is a big issue for Biden as well. He is against drilling in the Artic National Wildlife Refuge and has said that he and Obama plan to invest in new alternative energy. This is a big sign that Biden is out of sync with what's going on in America. He's probably too busy doing yoga and trying to buy crystals from people named "Skye" to pay attention. The gas prices are going down, Biden. Turns out it was just a hiccup. Next crisis, please.
Biden, at best, is an OK guy. He's not saying or doing anything new that any other hippie liberal hasn't already said or done. Sure, he's had a few moments of maverickness in terms of voting in favor of a war in Iraq and most of the Patriot Act, but he isn't part of the change this country needs. He could be that poignant sting of disappointment just as when you go to get your favorite type of Slurpee at 7-11 and all that comes out is blue, sugary water.
She said
Democratic vice presidential candidate Joe Biden is shadier than an oak in the middle of a bright, sunny, global-warming-induced-atmosphere-deprecating summer day in Virginia Beach.
Why? Oh ho, I'll tell you why.
After Google-surfing my prey, I've come across a couple questionable qualities and quotes from our potential VP.
First of all, he is hot. Seriously, for an old guy in his 60s, he is freakin' on fire. People in politics are not meant to be so physically attractive -- think of the great damage incurred the last time a candidate was elected to the highest political office thanks to his uber-hunky physique. Picture it, the 1920s, the time when women finally earned the long-deprived right to vote. Ladies of the appropriate age and older scurried in their little shoes and elaborate hats to the polling booths, where they proudly put their check next to their candidate of choice for the first time ever.
And who won? Warren Harding, aka arguably the most useless president in United States history (save for the one who's about to get the boot). To whom did they attribute his victory? Women who voted for him because they thought he was cute.
Yes, we've come a long way since then, but hot damn. History could repeat itself, and the fact that it jeopardizes our precious future warrants an extensive order to reevaluate our priorities and those who promise to follow through with them. Ladies, don't let those adorable blue eyes, gorgeous white smile and talks of spring time in Delaware delude you into believing that he will single-handedly save the polar bears.
Second, he is old and feeble. I already mentioned that he is in his 60s, and to make things even worse, Biden almost died in 1988 when he had an aneurysm below the base of his brain. He has apparently recovered since then, but do we really want our VP to have to worry about the threat of North Korea, Iran and Pakistan and struggle to keep his blood pressure down? My friends, that would just be cruel; that's simply impossible. He'd boil faster than water in Colorado (which is so high up in the mountains that it boils around 76 degrees Celsius). Besides, it's not like he's president or anything. Just vice president. Republican presidential candidate John McCain surely has his health issues, but I'm pretty sure he sold his soul to the devil to not only to stay alive but also give him all the help he can get when it comes to gaining the quintessential support of the Christian coalition. That's what being a maverick is all about, anyway.
In addition to his hotness and sketchy health, Biden has committed two cardinal sins of college life. One, he was caught plagiarizing a paper during law school. In his own book, "Promises to Keep," he wrote: "Now, in addition to everything else, I had to answer for my screw-up in Legal Methods 22 years earlier," and "This was an academic mistake. I wasn't trying to hide it, why would I cite this article that no one else in the class found? I didn't cheat." This debacle occurred during his run for president in 1988 and actually was the reason for his withdrawal from the race. Seems like 1988 just wasn't his year.
Two, he is against lowering the drinking age to 18. "Absolutely no, I would not," said Biden during the Democratic primary debate at Dartmouth College on Sept. 6, 2007.
"The cost of alcoholism in America, the cost of accidents that flow from drunkenness, are astronomical. ... And the idea that we're going to suggest that it makes good sense to move the age down to 18 I find to be counterproductive." He must have been a really Debbie-downer at his college parties, if that's how he really feels; although, I'm sure he felt a little differently a zillion years ago when he was cheating his way through law school.
The unhealthy, plagiarizing hottie who is Joe Biden, despite his flaws, is still a considerable, intelligent force to be reckoned with.