I come before you as an exhausted, yet relieved and excited, citizen. Why? Because it's over. By the time you read this, I will have already pushed the necessary buttons and voted. Perhaps many of you have as well, or intend to do so later today. Today marks the end of an election season that has been especially grueling for the candidates and the public, and I'm delighted to kiss it goodbye.
No longer do I have to hear about "change." This is a wonderful country, many parts of which I wouldn't change if I could. Some things do need changing, but I didn't really need a candidate to build his entire platform around that word to figure that out.
To make matters worse, the other candidate attempted to co-opt this strategy as well, which has led to a rhetorical-change overdose.
No longer will I have to hear the word "maverick," unless I'm watching pre-Scientology-nut Tom Cruise in "Top Gun." We get it, senator; you don't always do what your party would like. That's a wonderful and seemingly rare trait for a politician to possess, but seriously, I could do without ever hearing that word again.
For those of you who live on campus, or for those of you who do not have landlines, you may not understand my relief on this one, but bear with me.
I'm simply ecstatic that, starting today, I can actually come home and no longer find 10 messages on my answering machine from friendly recorded voices. My informal study has led me to conclude that the McCain campaign is the main offender here, at least in my house.
But don't get too comfortable, Obama folks -- you guys have been the clear-cut winner in the "mailings" department. I even got a hand-written letter from some lady in Roanoke I'd never heard of (which went over real well with the wife) telling me why she planned to vote for Obama. My renowned political communication professor had never even heard of that tactic, but I have the evidence to prove its existence.
I imagine that, like me, most of you will not miss the attack ads. It's confusing enough to try to research each candidate's plans to fix the economic debacle without being told by BOTH candidates how the other is going to tax me out of house and home.
I will also gladly bid adieu to the Rev. Jeremiah Wright, William Ayers and the Keating Five. Recalling the fact that there are many other seats up for grabs this election season, I'm also thrilled that I won't have to see that horribly doctored photo of 5th-District Congressional candidate Tom Perriello anymore, courtesy of opponent Virgil Goode.
Perhaps more than anything else, I applaud the end of the ridiculous chain e-mails. I love my family and friends and would do anything for them, but these e-mails are the most horrendously offensive abuse of American intelligence ever, and I honestly feel very badly for each person who has sent me these e-mails. Obama is a Muslim? Well, actually he's not, but even if he were, that doesn't make him a bad person. Obama is the Antichrist? Um, no -- if you read the Revelation passages you're so willingly forwarding, you'll discover that you're proving yourself a fool by re-sending this junk because it doesn't say what you think.
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