He said:
If a guy could, he would own a T-Rex. That's a pretty obvious statement, right? Without fail, a guy would totally take a T-Rex if John Hammond had one for sale.
But, let's think about that statement. Any guy would own a T-Rex without question. For those of you who never thought you could learn something from He Said/She Said: the Tyrannosaurus Rex is a 20 foot tall, 43 foot long, 7.5 ton carnivore that lived during the late Cretaceous period and was considered by many leading experts to be more of a scavenger than a predator (thanks, Wikipedia!). Note: It is also a '70s glam band.
There are several issues to think about: Where would you keep your T-Rex? You live in an apartment barely big enough to house two Velociraptors. How would you clean up after your dinosaur? He's capable of making a forest of poop. And what about the fact your pet T-Rex -- let's call him Sparkles -- what if Sparkles just straight up eats you? You would have to douse yourself in the hottest hot sauce possible every day just in case Sparkles didn't get a chance to consume her daily cow on her walk.
This overwhelming evidence points to the fact that having a T-Rex as a pet is an awful idea. Still, guys would sign up in a second. Instantly. This is the type of mindset lurking within the depths of the male psyche when it comes to animals. Dogs are amazing, don't get me wrong. I love poodles. But, if given the chance, guys will take any extraordinary animal they can find or hit with their car and call it their own. They will pretty much adopt anything no matter how big its fangs are or how many diseases it has. This is similar to many men's taste in women. Anywho, this is why guys own tarantulas, six-foot-long pythons, and the occasional pet beaver.
Girls tend to stay within the range of cats and dogs. Maybe a ferret if they're feeling adventurous. There is, however, an odd situation when it comes to animals that girls who have large dogs tend to have awesome dogs and guys who own cats tend to have awesome cats. You know, those marshmallow-esque type cats, whose stomachs have a majestic ripple effect when they float around the apartment looking for a place to chill or have their head rubbed.
Most girls, instead of dogs, will adopt small, hairy, rodent-like creatures that are tiny, but still have the mutant-like ability to penetrate any surface with their Gatling gun level bark. When girls look at these little animals, they see a living stuffed animal -- a fuzzy Velveteen Rabbit, let's say -- and everyone else sees Crazy Craving, the '90s Honeycomb cereal mascot minus the proper potty training. Without fail, girls will gush over these furry demons as they eat anything that touches the floor, chew on anything they can fit in their mouths, and pee everywhere within the radius of their vicious unforgiving squat.
An important difference between the sexes lies within the owner's feelings toward their animals. While most guys feel that their pet is their new friend, it is undeniable that a girl's affection for their animal exists on a much more intense plane.
Case in point: the cat lady.
There are few who will truly ascend to this level, but the transformation has already begun amongst certain students. It starts small: a little, playful childhood obsession with cats. Maybe she owns a few cat-themed pillows or journals. She gets to college and finally decides to welcome a cat into her life. Next thing she knows she's sporting a gray muumuu while flinging massive heaps of cat food to her small nation of felines.
In respect to both sexes, they're idiots when it comes to pets. Guys will waive their personal safety for any type of pet that they can get their hands on and girls will waive their awareness to what awful spawn they have accepted into their routine. There is also the general challenge of being a college student and young adult with a pet. But, should a student feel competent in owning an animal, I suppose there really is satisfaction to be had in caring for the life of a creature who loves you so much it pees itself every time you come into it's sight. If only your boyfriend had that much enthusiasm.
She said:
Here's a riddle for you, oh pseudo-Oedipus: What is the only other thing besides her momma and her girlfriends that will always be there for her?
The answer is, of course, her pet. It's always happy to see you, and is home every night to keep you company while you're struggling to finish that midterm paper by 5 a.m. so you can get at least two or three hours of sleep. Knowing that someone is right along with you pulling an all-nighter is a comforting presence that only a pet is unconditionally willing to provide you (unlike your boyfriend).
A dog, cat, rabbit -- whatever -- is kind of like the summation of all of those ideal traits we wish our significant others would possess. It's adorably cuddly, fun to play with whenever it needs to be entertained, always does tricks for a treat and can be easily caged for a necessary moment of solace when it becomes a nuisance.
And what's even better for us: It can act as an accessory.
I'll be the first one to not-so-shamelessly admit that I do indeed have a purse for my puppy, in case I ever need to tote him along. It's a pink little purse for my Christmas-present-pup named Salvador Dali. (Yes, I have a pink purse for a male dog -- give me a break, it was on sale.) And, to boot, Sal even has a brown argyle turtleneck sweater to stylishly wear during these abominable Blacksburg winters. OK, so an accessory gets to wear accessories -- that makes it all the more fun.
Accessories, as any self-respecting girl would understand, are kind of like special bait on a fishing lure cast into the fateful dating pool. The reason why women spend so much time picking out the necklaces, bracelets, hats and dogs to complement the outfit that they spent about an hour coordinating in the first place is to visually demonstrate the distinct elements of their personality that might attract a specific kind of guy.
For example, a quirky beret might tell a potential hot date that you're fun and, perhaps, into French culture in the same mindset that considers black knee-boots to mean that you're working at a street corner to afford your college tuition. Now, observing the beret he might reflect a little on himself: Does he speak French and might be interested in practicing a little (oh la la!)? Or does it deter him from approaching you in all of your offbeat glory?
Noted: Men are a little slow at picking up key details (unless it pertains to who's at the top of the key) but that won't stop him from picking you up -- or at least trying to -- if he's interested in hearing more about your interests.
A dog, on the other hand, is a complex symbol that reads differently among members of the male species. Some boys think immediately of Paris Hilton (cringe), the obsessive, disgustingly affluent, but all the same annoying hot heiress who made it trendy to take a Chihuahua to the tanning salon. That also depends on whether you're talking to your stylist on your Blackberry while wearing Jimmy Choos to -- painfully -- take your puppy Chanel for a walk, and whether he understands what this means at all. Most of the time, I'm sure, the guy will run away from your high-maintenance style faster than that time when his now ex-girlfriend made a remark about how cute babies can be.
And just for the record, not every girl who carries a pooch in a purse is snobby and elitist -- or can't locate the United States on a map, for that matter. However, there are some gentlemen who will take the doggie bait. Maybe they see you as that girl-next-apartment-story-up just taking time out from her busy schedule to give her pet the love and attention it deserves. He'll walk up to you and say, "Your dog is really cute," all the while pretendingto pet the pup, but looking smolderingly into your surprised eyes. Or maybe he'll have the doggie bones to invite your pet and yourself over for dinner one night next week.
In any case, you've filled up your date book to last you a while, all thanks to your pet; oddly enough, I used to think that only guys would use a cute animal to attract a girl's attention -- you know, the basic plot of every romantic comedy -- but apparently the ladies have picked up on its success rate.
But then again, who needs the trouble of a boyfriend? They make a mess all over the floor, incessantly whine and want to hump everything in sight.