Collegiate Times

Jason Brauns, bar manager of TOTS, pours four of the seven liquors in the specially-themed "Green Rail."

Despite having blue eyes and fair -- strike that -- "Casper" skin, my Irish enthusiasm hardly extends beyond the last bite of my ironically expensive marshmallow treasures in a bowl of Lucky Charms when I admire the pale green milk before pouring it down my gullet.

Or when replenishing my tissue supply, I might snag the vivid green two-ply. This may seem like an Irish impulse, but I simply find it funny to color coordinate my nasal discharge with tissues. Forgive my candidness.

Reading that will undoubtedly shame my mother who cherishes her maiden name Kelly with four-leaf clover conviction. A natural blond, she has dyed her locks radish red for more than a decade. Her eyebrows might as well be rainbows; her pupils shimmering pots o' gold.

"My father's family came from Donegal and Roscommon," she tells me.

Under the reins of my ancestral guilt, I figured I could pay pseudo-homage to my withered roots by drenching them with liquor.

While many of you were vomiting off the sides of swaying ships or stubbing your toes on skimboards last week, my roommates and I assumed the roles of perpetually parched bar vagrants here in Blacksburg.

Linh Kooc (her family is not, in fact, dyslexic) and Nathaniel "Tweety" Ball (he has no idea where his nickname originated) are both senior industrial design majors and seasoned legal consumers of alcohol.

On behalf of the Collegiate Times, I asked several local watering holes to conjure their most eccentric St. Patty's Day beverages and courageously set them on a pedestal for our ranking and your holiday consumption.

We used a 1-100 scale to produce averages that yielded standard exam letter grades, although what each letter means isn't exactly concrete. It's something along these lines: An "F" would be like gargling your liver's bile while an "A" is the delicious nectar of the heavens. To compliment our alphabetic designations, each judge has offered a flavorful synopsis for each drink to wet your appetite.

TOP OF THE STAIRS

TOTS was closed last week, but 11-year employee and current general manager Jason Brauns kindly opened the doors for our taste test.

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