HE SAID:
When it comes to working out: Guys lift weights. Why? Because running is for girls. Why would guys want to run somewhere? That would take them farther away from the messy cauldron of insecurities and mixed emotions that is the gym. Running also fails to feed that quick satisfaction of watching one's muscles seemingly grow stronger, and it is in the watching - in everyone else's silent observations - that the oddities of the gym begin to surface.
In a weird, Cinderellian twist, the mirror tells all at the gym. It's not important that you see what you're lifting in the mirror. It's that you can see what everyone else is lifting. As soon as you notice Urkel over there curling a whole lot more than you, a little trickle of doubt sets in. Quickly, your eyes dart back to some other object, hoping that this new brand of super nerd has failed to notice your gaze. Eye contact would be a big mistake. By making eye contact, you would be giving him all the power. He would know for that one split second that he truly held a role of domination in your eyes.
This scenario is strange because it points out one of the contradictions in going to the gym. People generally go to the gym because they feel bad about themselves, and so after they work out they begin to feel good about themselves. Unfortunately, this feeling doesn't last very long, especially when you're at the gym and you begin to notice that there are better candidates than you for the perfect race of men.
In terms of mirrors, the other thing that I notice is that it must be hard for a girl to go to the gym. Sure, there are more neutral gyms such as McComas or an off-campus apartment gym; but in places like War Memorial, guys hold sway and greatly outnumber the women who are present. I'm surprised women haven't united and demanded a gym of their own at this point.
The thing about being a girl at a gym is that when most guys lift they do it rather aggressively. You know, like that one guy at the gym who snorts and growls like the first-ever pregnant man is giving birth right there with every rep. Well, these are the types of guys who have their testosterone flowing and by the time that a girl enters the gym, some guys will automatically switch on the creeper eyes.
The creeper eyes can resemble the peepers of someone who hasn't eaten in a week, walks into a steakhouse, sees his or her first T-bone in a long time, and wants to have sex with it. If you can imagine those eyes, then you can imagine creeper eyes - and that pretty much sums up the look that some girls get when they cross the threshold of the gym. Maybe some girls enjoy the extra attention at the gym, which is why they come dressed in spandex so tight it would make Superman wary - for fear that they'd cut off the circulation to his legs like an anaconda.
Of course, I'd rather have people wear the tightest clothing possible to the gym, the kind that leaves little to the imagination, than those few instances in gyms when people will leave you nothing to the imagination. That's right, I'll say it because it needs to be said. Either pull down your shorts or buy ones that don't hang so low that they touch the ground when you do a bench press, because the last thing I need to see when working out is your personal yoga balls. And it happens - the occasional nut shot. It is perhaps the worst aspect of the mirror's consequences. You ever hear someone in the weight room unexpectedly drop everything they were lifting? It's because they were just victimized by the mirror.
So the next time you go to the gym beware of the mirror, mirror on the wall because it might just tell you who's the biggest weirdo of them all. And then the regulars will judge you.
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