He said:
Every Virginia Tech student can remember the first twinge of pride that crept into them with their initial and more importantly, independent, first couple of runs to Kroger as a freshman. No more would they be in the awful dilemma of having to pick food out when accompanied by any type of parental unit. Gone are the days when, with every selection of some particularly juicy item, your parents would remind you of every reason that the piece of food selected will ruin your life.
Their phrases would evolve into the mantras that echoed throughout your childhood: "Are there vegetables in this?" or "Where's the diet version?" Which, by the way, is why I drank Diet Coke for the first decade and change of my life, which tastes like Coke with a rusted nail dissolved in it. When I first started to drink regular Coke, I felt the same sense of rebellion as getting my first Eminem CD (any CDs of his were vehemently banned in my home). I still cannot describe to you what it is that I taste when I drink Coke, but it is one delicious collection of bubbles. Also, I decided the other day that Mountain Dew tastes like the green lollipops you can get at banks.
When all the choices are left up to college students, the strange period that we are currently living through - that space between adult and child - can easily be perceived when people put out all of their choices on the conveyor belt at check out. Chicken nuggets get piled on top of fat-free yogurt, fruit rollups rub up against vats of cottage cheese.
On average, guys tend to lean more toward the childhood aspect of selecting food. It's hard to be walking down the various aisles of the grocery store one day and realize that you don't know how to cook food outside of what tastes delicious in less than two minutes and comes out of a microwave. You can imagine my joy when I figured out how much more delicious Ramen tastes when you boil it, but my grocery shopping is really affected by the fact that I don't know how to cook anything. Sure, that could all change if I visited a few Web sites, but should another guy find my Web site history, and I wasn't looking at recipes that involved either beer or setting something on fire, it could seriously affect my status as retaining a set of XY chromosomes.
Personally, I spend the most time in the grocery store staring at the possible opportunities in the candy aisle. That is probably the most important part of any trip to the grocery store. It is a precise procedure that takes careful consideration; your mood as well as your future mood must be reflected in the candy you choose. But, it's really not that far outside of what most guys eat anyway. What's the real difference between some Sour Skittles and a Pop Tart? One is part of a balanced breakfast. That was until I turned 21, and then the size of the grocery store got a little bit larger. It was amazing to finally walk down the beer aisle and not have to look at the selections as more of a gallery than anything else.
Females generally have a healthier diet and at the store, they walk around with small gardens in their carts. At the same time, if you squint hard enough, you can spot the layer of bright, multicolored boxes full of whole meals the size of a Snickers lurking beneath the normal healthy food. These processed treats are the quirky part of a woman's diet, as most guys will eat anything fried, grilled or nuked; girls will eat some things guys might not be able to identify as food, but rather as more of a failed science experiment.
She said:
Grocery shopping is probably one of the most banal domestic activities known to humanity. It's kind of like doing laundry, as in you only shop when you're out of the essentials such as tampons or Diet Dr. Pepper when you decide to screw it and go ahead and restock your cabinets with actual foodstuff - you know, to last you in case you can't make it to West End before you head on home.
While women tend to be more conscious of such things, it's only because it's still in the realm of shopping, which means, of course, that it gives a girl the opportunity to have a Food Lion field day. Who cares whether you're picking out a pound of Granny Smith apples rather than those Apple Bottoms jeans? You're looking out for a bargain. And besides, it's - sometimes - on her parent's dime instead of her debit card, which always make shopping more fun.
Grocery shopping essentially encapsulates every single element of femininity: Women are organized, price and quality conscious, and subject to random bouts of craving chocolate. Hence the pretty stationary with a list scribed upon it that consists of things such as hot chocolate, V8, organic salad fixings, two pints of double fudge brownie ice cream - two for one sale, plus, who knows when an emergency might happen? - and a generous supply of eclectic kinds of frozen, low-calorie cuisine. Down to that adorable pink monogram on the stationary, girls check off each item on their list and maybe even pick up some extra treats as they peruse the aisles, that is, as long as it's on sale and it's a reputable brand.
Guys, on the other hand, are much more haphazard about what they purchase at Kroger. If they see something that looks kind of good and involves some sort of meat byproduct, it's tossed into the cart without a second thought. It will definitely add a new dimension to that culinary experiment that no girl would ever in her right mind ever possibly consume. But they look cute trying.
The only real way that men are helpful when it comes to such an excursion is helping to load and unload groceries from the car. Granted, if said male friend is strong enough, he can pick up all 20 or so bags and tote them up the stairs into your apartment for you. Just call him your little coat rack, as your entire two-hour adventure at Food Lion is worn on his arms. In a freshman's case, she has the unfortunate experience of porting her purchases from the bus to her residence hall. I know for a fact that every freshman girl has contributed karma points to a nice young gentlemen who kindly carried her case of water bottles and a couple of other bags to Slusher Hall for her. And that might explain why a girl needs company when she heads over to Food Lion, you know, besides the fact that female genetics demand constant companionship wherever she may travel. She certainly can't discuss the difference between Splenda and legit sugar with the guy mopping the floors. Needless to say, he just wouldn't get it. Bring your BFF and let the debate begin. Her commentary will undoubtedly convince you to buy the Splenda and spare yourself the extra pounds and painful hours running off your bad decision on the treadmill.
Hitting up Wal-Mart is surely not as glamorous as perusing the shelves for designer duds, but picking up a box of Milk Duds just as - if not more - effectively raise your spirits to help you endure the final weeks of a rough semester.