He said, she said debates merits of toe-sucking

Thursday, April, 2, 2009; 10:22 PM | 0 | | Print

Share


TOPICS: fetish sex

HE SAID:

It is true that throughout the ages men have accomplished a lot of great things. We only need to look at some of the great male thinkers from the past to prove this. There was Plato's "The Republic," Einstein's Theory of Relativity and Michael Jackson's "Thriller," just to name a few. But, they would also probably find some interest in any of the successes of one Hugh Hefner.

Even from the beginning, "Playboy" has never been a magazine that featured naked women just being naked. There was always some theme or element brought to the scene to give it that "extra kick" - from Marilyn Monroe riding an elephant to the barely-clad female construction worker who is violating all types of union rules while trying to operate a jackhammer sans pants.

Surely these themes are unnecessary, right? Isn't sex enough to do the trick? The answer, if you remember from the first time you saw a Britney Spears video as a 12-year-old, is no. The truth is every guy has a fetish. Now, to be clear, when I say fetish I don't mean the kind of interactions that have you buying up every piece of clothing you can find at Leatherworld and figuring out alternative uses for horse whips.

Dictionary.com's (yes, I am citing it) definition for a fetish is "an object regarded with awe as being the embodiment or habitation of a potent spirit or as having magical potency." In the realm of sexuality, a fetish can certainly possess a type of magical potency, but it is more than just an object: It can be a certain scenario (or "fantasy"), setting, type of dress (Princess Leia bikini, eh?) or a favorite body part - thusly proving the theory once and for all that guys can get turned on by pretty much anything.

A basic dude's fetish in terms of a fantasy is really just taking any normal situation and then adding "and then there was sex" to it. In other words, any plot of any porno. For example, you're delivering a pizza and what? The lady suddenly lost her wallet?  How ever will she tip you? And then there was sex. Or, having to stay after class because your teacher thinks you wrote a crappy report and then - yeah, you get the idea.  

Moving on, I'm sure you can infer what body parts guys generally go for. It's pretty much the standard KES equation: kneecaps, elbows and the space between the toes. Although, for people who really do have a toe fetish: Toes shouldn't be in your mouth, they should be used to walk as far away from the sick freak that you are. I'm sorry that I'm judging that Virginia Tech demographic of students and faculty who like to suck toes, but I feel as though sucking toes was more of a way to get answers out of people at Guantanamo than a legitimate turn on.

Personally, I really just like any girl with a nice rack of hair. With hair, most guys default to that age-old fetish for redheads. Redheads really appeal to males because of how rare they are. They are almost like mythical creatures, like the hottest Leprechauns you've ever seen.

Finally there's dress. Catholic school girls are probably in the top five fetishes of any guy. Now, this was a fetish that was only complicated in my life when most of my education was spent in the Catholic school system. The certain blue-and-white high school that I attended in Northern Virginia presented me with a strange dichotomy of girls so pure I felt like Jesus would punch me when I walked into the locker room after gym class if I messed with them; girls, who, uh, might have overlooked some of the virtues of the Holy Spirit, and who at times would remind me a lot of the Communion wine glass at mass. That really ruined that for me, so I guess my fetish for Catholic school girls has been refined into a fetish for Atheist school girls (who generally don't wear uniforms, rather bedeck themselves in Nirvana T-shirts).

A lot of girls play into our fetishes without ever realizing it.  I'd like to say "thank you" to the female community for doing their part to make my day better. At the same time, you're also welcome because I have no doubt I play into their fetishes when I ask them which sun on Tatooine they think is hotter.

Continue Reading: 12 Next » 

Leave a comment 0 Comments Write a letter to the editor