Collegiate Times

SHE SAID:

Imagine meeting this hot, intelligent, hilariously amusing polite potential boyfriend at your friend's party. (Essentially this is a hypothetical situation, because really when is that ever going to happen in the real world?) He is everything you currently want - complete with a white smile and fat wallet - in a significant other.

That is, until he makes the fatal, of-epic-proportions mistake of mentioning his gratuitous affinity for Star Trek or Star Wars. (Is there really a difference? Never mind, I don't care.) It's a major loss and such an illustrious creature of his quality almost tempts you enough to spend time anchoring him back to earth from his sojourn in fantastical outer space. But at the same, be grateful for the bullet you've just dodged. Think of the television show "Friends" and what happened to Rachel when Ross told her his fantasy. Uh huh. Deal breaker.

A deal breaker is a set of strict prerequisites in the dating arena that you demand of your fresh friend and, like the name implies, has the sheer force and magnitude to break your new relationship before it really had time to grow - like when you pluck a pesky weed from your garden of possibilities. 

There are those few things in life that you'll just never learn - or even have to want to learn - to tolerate from a boyfriend (like the fact that they know the difference between  Spock and a spork).

Somewhere lurking in the precarious combination of guanine and adenine in a woman's set of DNA is the one all-powerful demand that determines whether a guy deserves a presence in her life: whether he likes to cuddle. You know, he doesn't even have to enjoy it - we don't care if you like it, we just know that we need it (just like a guy's attitude about sex). As long as he's willing to do it to make her happy, then he can stay.

The dire need for cuddlage means that he who is not willing to spend a lot of time with her, loses her. Like calculus homework, she demands a lot of work and effort (especially on the kitchen table) and if you're not able to put in the time, find another less-fulfilling hobby because we are not afraid of passive-agressiving our way into your schedule. We will pout and whimper in such a passive aggressive way you'd almost think we were in extreme need of Prozac or a cathartic ice cream fest with the girlfriends. We will guilt you into spending a lot of time with us. And we won't feel bad about it; in fact, we'll rejoice in the surplus of cuddle time. It's good for the female psyche.

A guy, now that I mention it, must be able to mend her mental health with compliments and presents. Gentlemen - just know that you will be dumped faster than Peewee Herman at a speed dating organization.

Girls spend a lifetime getting ready, and if all you can do once she leaves her perch in front of the bathroom mirror is complain about how long it took her to get ready, then, darling, I can almost guarantee you'll get the boot. Literally. Appreciate her beauty and give a lot of honest but flattering comments.

Deal breakers are kind of like tollbooths - you either have to compromise and pay a little bit to keep going on the same road or you can realize that it's just not worth the price and take an alternative route.

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