Collegiate Times

SHE SAID:

Would you rather be haunted by the spirit of Billy Mays or the spirit of Michael Jackson?

Though I own several of the products Billy Mays has put forth, I’d have to go with Michael Jackson on this one. Michael Jackson seems much less abrasive than Billy Mays. When not making a career out of imitating a zombie in your living room, old Jacko would probably just be reclusive and quiet, only waiting for his bust-a-move opportunity. He’d be a fantastic tutor. Imagine your friends’ envy when they roll up for a dance party and suddenly, you know how to do the moonwalk and belt out “Billie Jean” like a pro.

With Billy Mays, I wouldn’t be able to handle his enthusiastic yet bossy screaming in the middle of the night, and he might become a vengeance-seeking poltergeist since I use my Slap Chop and ShamWow way more than I use my HandySwitch or OxiClean. Not to mention that I’m miserably allergic to the latter, and that’s the last product I would want demonstrated on my clothes.

Would you rather have your own theme song that played anytime you entered a room, or would you rather have your life be broadcast as a television show?

If my life were a television show, it’d be so boring that I would get cancelled immediately. It’s not like I live in a mansion with Criss Angel or Kathy Griffin or anything interesting. (My ideal show: living with Jon Stewart. Mrrrow.) I go to class, go to work, study and occasionally take naps with my fat dog. My pride couldn’t handle my own show getting the can. So on this question, I opt for a theme song — and it’d be along the lines of the ominous “Imperial Death March.” I mean, if I walk into a room and that song follows me, I’ll guarantee that nobody will screw around with me. I might have to choke a fool ... with The Force.

Would you rather be abducted by aliens or have a close encounter with Bigfoot?

At least with aliens, if they abduct you, you’ll come back. I’d rather be abducted simply to know what the criteria are for their selection process because they pick some unfortunate candidates.With Bigfoot, he would probably just rip your arms off and carry you into the woods as a snack for later. I’d prefer to be probed and sent home than mangled and partially digested. Either way, it’s not like anyone’s going to believe you.

Would you rather streak across the Drillfield during a class change or up an entire set of Lane Stadium stairs during a game?

Without going into any gratuitous detail, I’d much rather take my chances on the Drillfield. I’d blind fewer people that way.

Sleep through your graduation ceremony or a sibling’s wedding?

And death isn’t an option? Both of these are pretty horrible. If it came to sentimentality, I feel like I could sleep through my graduation and be completely fine. Since I have student loans up to my eyeballs, graduation is simply a reminder of how I finally have to pay back Sallie Mae.

But sleeping through a ceremony in which you’re participating is a little tougher than sleeping through a wedding you’re not directly involved in. I could probably go to my brother’s wedding and pass out under a table at some point and no one would notice I was missing. So I say yes, I’d sleep through my brother’s wedding. (Sorry, Bubs.)

Take a full-speed pass from football quarterback Tyrod Taylor from 10 yards out or take a charge from basketball forward Jeff Allen?

I’d have to take Taylor’s pass. No offense, Jeff, but I weigh 110 pounds and you weigh 260 pounds. I would implode on impact if I took that kind of force. And although I’ll probably lose some teeth and some dignity while attempting to catch Taylor’s pass, at least I’ll escape with an intact ribcage.

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