Freshly single, I have two options for my celebration of Valentines Day. The first involves a trip to Hot Topic to fight for the last “I <3 ME” T-shirt, distributing “Singles Awareness Day” cards and taking a stroll through a swanky restaurant to disruptively gag while surrounded by couples exchanging affectionate glances.
The second is to admit T-shirts are rarely flattering, “Singles Awareness Day” is trite and unoriginal, and being bitter will only elevate my risk of becoming a spinster. Don’t get me wrong. I am a bitter person. I still think my parents are heartless for making me wait until I was 16 to have a cell phone. I still think my great-grandfather is a selfish jerk for choosing my 13th birthday to die. And I definitely still haven’t forgiven my first ex-boyfriend for dating my male best friend two weeks after he dumped me.
But when it comes to Valentine’s Day, I have no animosity. After all, it’s a Hallmark holiday created solely to generate money. Not tears. Not plummeting self-images. Or even love, for that matter. Hallmark, dear couples, is not interested in saving your relationship. That glittery, dangly, sparkle-thing isn’t going to make up for the fact that you don’t get along the other 364 days a year. Neither will the singing cards or holographic bowties.
This year, I propose we all do without the frills and stress of the occasion and either celebrate it for what it’s worth (kind of gross, but free candy and the occasional dollar bill from the grandparents) or actually use it to bring meaning, not routine to your relationship.
Here’s a gift guide that puts a spin on traditional Valentine’s Day fare to benefit both the broke and brokenhearted.
All that glitters is not gold, but everything shiny is seriously getting old
Every “k-i-s-s” may begin with “k,” but no “b-r-e-a-k-u-p” is complete without it either. No amount of .025 karat diamonds hidden within the paws of an overstuffed teddy bear will say “I love you” like a gift that you actually put thought into.
Shock your beau this year with a necklace bearing a little piece of you and give him or her a vial with your hair. Sure, it’s a bit vile, but anyone will appreciate that there’s no greater sacrifice than a human sacrifice.
HOW TO: Clip a small piece of hair from the underside of your hair. Fill vial (available on Etsy or in thrift stores) or small jar with your lock and super-glue the lid, button or cork to the top. For a kitschy look, tie hemp around the top and tie to a chain as a necklace. For a more classic look, use wire.
IF YOU’RE SINGLE: Make vials of your own hair to wear until someone else is worthy, or crack open the hair in your ex-lover’s vial to perform voodoo rituals.
Cards: Make it, not break it (the bank, that is)
Wedged between the pie filling and peanut butter, Kroger boasts an array of cards with more impressive light shows than a planetarium and as much musical variety as any jukebox. Unfortunately, it will take more than a few flashy features to distract from the stale messages and stock photos of rose draped teddy bears; especially when these cards can set you back $6 each.
Save your money, dignity and the planet this year by creating your own Valentines from old magazines.
HOW TO: Filled with photos of women straddling vacuums, chain-smoking couples clad in matching pajamas and real headlines proclaiming, “Eating Out Gives Life a Lift! And A Great Way to Your Gal’s Heart!” there is no better source for collage materials than Life magazine. Pick one up at the local thrift store (if you’re lucky) or snag one on eBay, as it is no longer printed. One magazine will provide endless amusement and possibilities for cards for everyone on your list. Just choose your image, cut it out carefully (the paper is fragile), and use an acid-free glue stick to mount it to the paper of your choice.
IF YOU’RE SINGLE: There are still plenty of suggestive photos and racy captions for your use. In just a single issue, I was able to snag “Desperate Men Fighting Back,” “I’m Tired of Being a Male Sex-Symbol” and “A Close Up of Wet Baby Beavers.” Enjoy.
Think outside of the box
No, really. There’s no reason to suffer through that box of Franzia just because it’s the time of year where we glorify flying babies and everything pink. Rather than spend your money on a traditional bottle of booze, head to the Vintage Cellar and choose from hundreds of beers to build your own unique six-pack. For the underage or underpaid, you can make even the most basic beverage exude class with a personalized label.
HOW TO: Soak a few bottles of your significant other’s drink of choice in warm water and peel off the label. Wipe dry with a cloth and use a thin layer of glue to attach your own label. Consider using old
magazines, photographs or your Photoshop skills to embellish your “love potion.”
IF YOU’RE SINGLE: You probably have enough empty beer cans, wine bottles and various flasks around to construct something far more magnificent than your own label. Take them to the recycling center for change, pay off your college loans and invest in a beer brewing kit from Eats in order to keep your mind off the old boo and on the new brew.
Classic, not cliche, love ballads
HOW TO: Prove your commitment by taking the time to go beyond CD-Rs and playlists and create an actual cassette tape. Available at drugstores, they are inexpensive and can be customized with spray paint, stickers and magazine clippings for a truly distinctive spin on your average mix. (Just make sure you cover the holes on the front and the tape with a layer of masking tape before you use any paint.) To create a mixtape straight from your computer, make two playlists that are each the same length as one side of the tape. Then plug your tape player into the output of your computer using a standard RCA cable, and play the mix as you record for each side. Make an insert out of cardstock with track titles and a personal
message, and let the tracks do the trick.
IF YOU’RE SINGLE: You have more time than ever to explore good music. Ditch “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” and tune into a mix with the same qualities of any good breakup: a little despair and plenty of spite.
NOTE: For those looking to end things but fearing confrontation, sit your dearest down for a listen to the “Break Up Mix” and save your own words for pickup lines.
Stop scrawling away standard favors, give coupons with consequences
Countless gift guides cite homemade coupon books as the quintessential, inexpensive and heartfelt gift. More often than not though, they come off as the quintessential and lazy emergency gift. Especially akin to this is “Naughty Notes” in Cosmo magazine, which revolve around coupons for inconsequential sexual favors.
Chances are, if you are desperate enough to leave around a coupon reading “Meet me in the shower, I’m feeling dirty,” you will need more than a quick rinse to clean up your relationship. After all, if Cosmo really has all the answers, then why is it constantly seeking out 364 ways to please your “new man” anyway? Forgo suggestive sonnets this year for statements that actually bear weight. Pump your lover for more than pleasure with coupons like “one thorough discussion about the future of our relationship” or “one list of everything that irritates you about me.” Show them you want to get serious with “one trip to meet the parents” or that they aren’t quite working out with “one day of tolerating your persistent antics.”
Whichever route you choose, rest assured these coupons are rooted in the key to any successful relationship: tender, loving passive aggression.
HOW TO: Scrounge up your classiest paper or card stock and fold in half, twice. Cut along the lines to create coupon-like strips of paper. Decorate as desired and neatly inscribe each with one “gift.” Create a front cover and fasten the stack together using ribbon, brads, staples, or a needle and thread.
IF YOU’RE SINGLE: Don’t feel left out. There are still plenty of coupons you can craft to improve your situation, whether it’s “one night of not calling the cops because of your deafening parties and late night Rock Band sessions” for your neighbors or “one phone call where I admit that I got a ‘D’ in chemistry” for your parents.