Collegiate Times

My laptop broke recently. I can’t say I was entirely surprised. For the past year or so the screen used to flicker on and off, it would shut down at random points (usually when I was just about to save) and the Internet history was full of visits to Web sites that I certainly didn’t go to (wink wink). So when the moment came when I pressed the on button and found out that it had changed overnight into the stay off button — I can’t say I didn’t see it coming.

Lucky for me though, my dad works for HP. Through some process I don’t fully understand, and judging by his vague and confusing account, he doesn’t either; there were three shiny new desktops sitting in our basement. They had been intended for delivery to

some trade show or seminar and somehow, most likely by fate/divine providence, they were delivered to my father. After sitting in the basement for three years, he finally decided to mention that there were some computers downstairs and asked if I would like to have one.

Of course. Yes. By all means. Why would I not want another computer? My laptop had not yet broken but as its rapid degradation and potential deliquescence was close at hand, it only made sense to snatch up a desktop.

So we dug a monitor out of the attic that hadn’t been dusted off since 1997 and I packed the new machine and ancient monitor up and took them with me back to Blacksburg.

So that’s the story of how I got a desktop. Let me tell you, it’s awesome. It’s too big to fit in my backpack so there’s no question of whether or not I’m going to bring it to school. The monitor is old and shines like a light bulb. There’s no way I can stare at it for an extended period of time.

Plus the monitor is big enough that I can hide liquor behind it. I need to be at my desk to use it so if I’m there, its work time. No more getting in bed to “do my homework” and then spending hours on YouTube.

Now I know what you’re thinking. It all sounds well and good but how could you actually survive in a college environment, where performance must be maximized at all costs? Well I’m about to blow your mind. I’m an aerospace engineer. That’s right. No joke. If a member of the most overworked caste at Virginia Tech can get away with not having a laptop, you probably can too.

I’ve seen you and I pity you.

Yes, you. There, sitting in your 3000-level English class. Notebook full of sparkly pink lettering, pushed to the side. Your computer sits in front of you, but what are you working on? Are you checking up on the Foucault reference your teacher just pompously made? Are you researching the history of the suffragette movement in order to fill your next paper full of elucidating, accurate historical details? No, you are playing Bubble Spinner.

Seriously, I pity you.

In the first place, what good is an English degree at all? (Disclaimer: I’m staying at Tech for another year for an English degree.) Secondly, what good is an English degree earned playing games on the Internet? Why are you in class? Why are you in college? Why are you distracting me? Oh wait, no! Not there! Jump over the pit! Hit the dragon with the sword! Block! Block! I can’t stop watching your screen.

So now I have a desktop. And from now on I’m going rant about it like a pompous self-serving jerk. But you know, I wouldn’t have an unjustified sense of superiority about my technological immobility if I didn’t really, really like it.

A version of this article appeared in the Feb 26 issue of the Collegiate Times.