Collegiate Times

Collegiate Times opinion columns have two general themes: political views about a current global topic and an ongoing debate between Beyond Coal representatives and thrifty students that prefer a cheaper option (i.e. continue using coal to both heat and power our campus).

I’m completely tired of reading this argument in print and discussing this topic whenever I tell people that I’m a (gasp) mining and minerals engineer. This obviously implies that I am the embodiment of everything Captain Planet and his ring-toting cronies tried to prevent.

What’s worse? I think I might be.

All I learned at Virginia Tech are the three R’s: rape, ruin and run. What’s most important to me is profit. After a deposit dries up the negative effects of my actions don’t matter because I’m just going to leave anyway. In fact, I’ll only spend enough time in a given area to extract all the valuable minerals before moving on. No, economics doesn’t matter to me either, because I can sell as much product at any price that I want so long as my best friends are Washington D.C. lawyers. I can never understand why all mines aren’t completely devoid of value in a single lifetime. My underground coalmines will last 10 years before I need a new area to oppress.

I’d have a family of course. They’d live in another state far away from my mine and I’d use large gold coins (that I mined from California and printed my face on) to pay for the best schools. Unfortunately, I wouldn’t see them very often. However, my family would understand that it isn’t because I don’t love them, it’s that I do. They shouldn’t be drinking polluted water and living with the constant threat of a valley fill collapsing or a slurry impoundment breaking apart. Plus, them not being around would allow me to cut safety costs and improve revenue even more. Let’s face it, I don’t really care about anything except for profits.

The worst thing for me would be change. All I want to do is burn coal, power America and make money (and gobs of it). Alternative energy would concern me, but not because I’d lose business.

No, if energy producers won’t buy my rocks I know a few steelmakers that would love to purchase my wares. I’m afraid of change because then I might have to stay put and invite my wife and kids to live with me. Who wants to live with their family? Not me!

If only there were mining and minerals engineering departments that did nothing but teach. Unfortunately, these scientists and engineers are constantly experimenting and developing new ways to make coal healthy for both the environment and all the people living nearby.

Even make it more sustainable. What a disaster! My own colleagues are trying to stop me from enjoying my life to the fullest. They want to prevent me from leaving this world with a considerable inheritance for my children. I like a
challenge.

At least there’s a coal plant at Virginia Tech. I think it should stay.

A version of this article appeared in the Mar 26 issue of the Collegiate Times.