Collegiate Times

I begin this piece with the acknowledgement that men do not incite every case of abuse. Women do sometimes start the abuse. However, as Cynthia Cockburn states in her book “From Where We Stand: War, Women’s Activism & Feminist Analysis,” “Women do not fill men’s nightmares in the way men fill those of women.” This statement stands true, so I will use examples in which men incite the abuse against women. And violence against women is a prevalent issue, so what about those cases in which the lines of abuse aren’t clear?

From most students’ education, they learn the basic cycle of abuse: guy hits girl, guy apologizes, guy promises to change, guy begins honeymoon phase and repeats all of the above. Even though that is an extremely simplified version, I was never taught about abuse that deviated much from that basic cycle. Pictures of women with black eyes, bloody noses and broken bones only further supported the idea that abuse comes in this one form.

But abuse comes in many different forms, and without a more comprehensive education about abuse and other forms of domestic violence, the cycle will continue.

From my own experience, as well as the cases I’ve seen in which friends are involved, every cycle of abuse affects women in many of the same ways. We feel guilty, thinking that somehow this violence is our fault, or sometimes we feel the abuse is undeserved but don’t know what we can do to stop it. We feel lost, alone, powerless, etc. Beyond the laundry list of psychological disasters that go hand in hand with abuse, forms of abuse that differ from the widely taught cycle introduce a variable of ambiguity. Is this abuse?

I never once had a black eye, bloody nose or broken bone, and yet I was in an abusive relationship, although at the time I didn’t recognize it as one. Many women struggle with defining their relationship as abusive because their partner doesn’t punch or hit them.

They are instead squeezed too tightly, to a point of pain and stifled breathing, what some men may later call a “hug.” They are instead forcibly held in one position, squirming violently, an act some men consider a necessity to “calm you down.”

These are only two of many instances of violence that some women hesitate to define as abuse. Some of those women may even be persuaded to agree with their partner’s reasoning for legitimately needing to partake in those actions.

Another factor that fogs the cycle of abuse for women is the gradual — but detrimental — mental breakdown that I argue all women suffer because of abusive relationships. Abuse not only pertains to the physical harm of a woman, but it also involves severe psychological repercussions.

Continue Reading: 12 Next » 

A version of this article appeared in the Apr 2 issue of the Collegiate Times.