He said:
The signs are everywhere — beer sales plummeting in beach towns, interns being released from modern serfdom, ESPN dutifully ignoring the Hokies as title contenders — and this can only mean one thing: Our nine-month vacation from the real world is about to begin anew.
The return to Blacksburg is welcome for those of us who find adjusting to parental standards for cleanliness and sobriety difficult. There’s nothing quite like heading back to freedom amid a backdrop of pigskin hysteria and the last tolerable weather for months. The only thing in the universe better than the fun of September in Blacksburg is experiencing it for the first time.
On that note, I’d like to welcome the freshman class of 2014 to Virginia Tech. The answer to your first question is yes, everyone on campus reads the Collegiate Times. It’s the topic of discussion at all the cool parties, and its writers are glorified among the student body.
If you were also wondering what the next four years are going to be like, then I can give no answer more specific than sweet as hell. Shelve any silly anxieties about college — nearly everybody finds a way to be happy and successful. Note that this reassurance does not apply to engineers, for whom misery is an academic prerequisite.
No matter what major though, newly arrived freshmen can be a lot of fun. You remind us all of the innocent days of yore when Blacksburg still seemed large and late-night Hawaiian pizza at DX was a revelation. The benefits aren’t limited to nostalgia. The arrival of new crops of girls is a serious morale booster to the male upperclassmen, and you all infuse life into campus by making the dining halls quite entertaining for a month or so.
You are also, however, like monkeys at the zoo. It’s not your fault you throw feces around — it’s natural behavior. Our job as the learned elders is to discourage this poo-flinging and teach you how to be respectable university students. Each and every one of you has the potential to be an excellent addition to the Hokie family, but first you must learn not to suck so hard at college.
The first — and in my opinion, most important rule — is hide your maroon and orange effect T-shirts until game day. Tech students may be known for wearing school gear but that does not mean it is acceptable to parade around like an army of style-impaired clones.
Newsflash: Every single student at this university owns these shirts. They are only recommended to the celibate population, because wearing one to a party is the best way to avoid close encounters of the sexual kind.
The second most egregious sin of many freshmen is an inability to recognize limits. We’re all very thrilled that you beer-bonged 15 Natty’s at beach week — really. We’d be even more thrilled if you exercised some restraint before vomiting on the Wii and commandeering the sofa for the night. I neglected this rule my first semester and woke up with charming aphorisms tattooed all over my body. Fair warning.
Also, guys, this should be self-explanatory, but for the love of God, do not show up to social events rolling eight deep with your Vawter bros. Meet girls to go with you or split into manageable wolf packs — just don’t be a traveling sausagefest.
In fact, walk around Blacksburg on weekends at your own peril. My mother told me that if you don’t have anything nice to say about the Blacksburg Police Department, don’t say anything at all. So, I won’t say anything except that the town’s finest combine with the occasional militant resident advisor to provide a formidable threat to those with poor judgment. Keeping your head is a necessity to avoid a semester banishment to purgatory.
On that note, be aware that Tech has a draconian drug policy allowing no wiggle room and even less common sense. As tempting as it is to impress your roommate with that freakin’ sweet bong you picked up in Ocean City, repel the impulse.
Finally, remember Blacksburg is not your personal stomping ground for raging debauchery. It’s possible to have a great time without being obnoxious to town residents. A little respect reflects well on you and the university community as a whole.
Other than that, new Hokies, go out and live it up — you will never have another freshman year.
One final, hard-earned piece of advice: Campus maps provide maximum value when consulted before your first class begins.
She Said:
Freshman year was a bumpy ride that left a few bruises, but if I could go back I wouldn’t have changed a thing. So what are these rough times I speak of? Well, here are the confessions of a freshman Hokie.
Coming to Tech after living in Delaware meant I knew no one. I couldn’t believe how alone I felt among thousands of people as I walked across the Drillfield, or as I like to call it, the battlefield.
First piece of advice: Prepare for the mob. The Drillfield may look like a nice shortcut, but beware of paper cuts from flyers and tread marks from bikers.
I thought I was going south for school, but I was lucky enough to find that once I came to Tech, Virginia saw its most brutal winter in years. Do yourself a favor and buy a raincoat. Expect the unexpected when it comes to Blacksburg weather.
But I can promise you, football Saturdays in Blacksburg are like nothing else. As poised as I am, it wasn’t surprising to have a shelf dropped on my foot hours before the Nebraska game. Although the doctor thought my foot might be broken, I bled orange and maroon. Over my dead body was that game going to start without me. Word of advice, if you have a broken foot, Tyrod throws a last-minute touchdown, and you’re standing next to a 10-foot wall contemplating jumping it to storm the field, do it. This is going to hurt like hell, but it is — and will always be — worth it.
Football isn’t the only great event at Tech either. Let’s be honest here, whose favorite holiday isn’t one where you get candy? However, last Halloween I learned to never spend as much money on a costume again when I wore pajamas and a facemask instead. The swine flu was a great reminder of what happens when you go to a school with about 24,000 people.
While holidays and events are a blast, you still have to work hard to play hard.
That being said, beware of your laptop. It can and will be a dangerous thing. Farmville spread like a disease on campus as I watched people in large lectures tending to their crops while chatting on Facebook. And maybe you’ll remember someone’s computer hollering, “you’ve got mail” in a geology lecture. Well that blonde who searched the room to find the perpetrator was me. And if you haven’t figured it out already, that screaming laptop was mine as well.
I strongly suggest you mute your computer.
And how can you motivate yourself to work hard? Let’s just say I sometimes let papers go until the last minute, so caffeinated soda became my savior. In case you know as much as me about soda machines, they don’t accept pennies. You soon realize how broke you are when you’re walking around the dorms asking someone for a nickel.
Everyone says it, and they’re right. College is about making mistakes and finding balance. So what if I told you some embarrassing parts of my life? Life is so much better if you can laugh at yourself and enjoy the crazy ride.
My last piece of advice is to keep your room semi-clean if you don’t want to hate yourself at the end of the year. And to the girls out there, look for a strong guy to help you carry your fridge across campus next May. Guys? You’re pretty much screwed on that one.
For all of you freshmen out there, know that you’ll be surprised, but it will be the best four years of your life.