Catholic high school taught me many things — the sleep benefits of long homilies, blue Powerade’s versatility as a mixer — but appreciation for the merits of a diverse wardrobe was not among them.
School uniforms were a law at my school, instituted to help create a prison-like atmosphere in which learning thrives. This attempt at squelching creativity and hormones was foolproof — girls in short skirts clearly offer no distraction to adolescent males.
Some peers making the jump with me from public to private education had trouble adjusting to this mandate. I, on the other hand, embraced the simplicity a dress code brought to my morning preparation, eliminating the need for any brain function until after my first period nap.
My high school tenure was spent following the uniform-enabled “more sleep, less thought” mantra to gloriously lazy results.
Fast forward to the present and my morning routine has hardly changed. My willpower to function is still pathetically limited: After defeating the alarm clock and assaulting the remnants of sleep with ice-cold water, there is just about enough motivation remaining to make the trek to class.
Having to give serious consideration to my attire would throw off my entire day, not to mention upend deeply-held worldviews. Luckily, this crisis is averted because I was born with a Y chromosome. For all the advantages ladies have in acquiring free drinks and avoiding speeding tickets, ease of dressing is one area in which the men reign supreme.
My toughest morning decision is choosing between khaki or athletic shorts. Maybe the seersuckers if I feel like blinding classmates with frat stardom. Footwear follows suit: Shoes are picked based on which pair is closest to my feet.
Upon completing these complex steps, I turn my very limited attention to shirts. A deliberate vetting process determines cleanliness and eliminates the most garish clashes (a skill learned from years of mom and sister belittling my hand-picked outfits). Then, like the Toy Story claw, I swoop in and grab a random victim, administering a last-resort smell test before heading off to campus.
It’s a beautifully streamlined process, applicable to just about any event in a man’s college life, provided that your wardrobe is appropriately stocked. The simplicity of male outfit assembly means it really is that easy for anyone to bro out in style.