Collegiate Times

Men, this month we honor a part of your hairy bodies — no, not that part. We honor the hairy lip. March is dedicated to your moustaches.

First there was “no shave November” to commemorate facial hair. But that wasn’t specific enough for moustache enthusiasts, so now there’s “moustache March” dedicated to the proud men — and quite possibly, a few women — dedicated to growing and maintaining the lawn on their upper lip.

We’re not talking milk or fake ’staches. They don’t count, because a real moustache boasts manliness. A moustache communicates a lot about a man’s character. In fact, it almost speaks for itself. Saying, “I’m well-groomed, intriguing, intelligent, potentially sexy and more-man-than-you.”

Men, if these descriptions rub you the right way, you might consider cultivating your own. But first you should pick a style that suits you. Consider asking yourself a few questions:

What would complement my upper lip: hardly any there, or whiskers everywhere? Should I grow a double smile or a brow frown? Can I grow but a pencil line or a carpet hanging from my nose? Is this going to itch? Is the itch temporary? Can I be cured of nose itch?

If you need some inspiration in your search, look no further than the iconic ’staches of Einstein, Charlie Chaplin, Anchorman, Ned Flanders or Mario. Of course, cartoon characters will always have the upper “lip” when it comes to being perfectly groomed. So don’t mind your competition.

Salvador Dali is an excellent example of a well-maintained and artistic “twist” to the typical look. The Spanish painter’s long whiskers were bent at the corner of his mouth and pointed straight up his cheeks like two radio antennas.

Just make sure you stay away from Hitler’s infamous square patch, especially if you look even remotely German. You’ll just scare people, probably lots of little kids, and you’ll get some lip for it too — not the good kind.

Once you’ve combed through the possibilities and selected your style, familiarize yourself with some of the grooming rituals. Do you own a pair of trimmers? Good. Shaving cream? Good. A comb? Good. Moustache wax? No? Then you might consider it.

I fathom the hardest part of growing a moustache is simply growing one. It may be easy enough not to shave, but what do you do while you wait? Think about watching actual grass grow? In the meantime, you might work on other manly activities, such as eating sloppy joes and wings or sneezing really obnoxiously. Appreciate the messiness before you grow some fuzz.

After four weeks have passed you finally have your moustache. Congratulations. You’ve encountered a tiny problem. 

You trimmed a little too much off one side and now your neck is sore from trying to compensate for the difference. Not to worry. March is over anyhow. You might as well shave it off. It’s high time you started working on “attractive April.”

A version of this article appeared in the Mar 17 issue of the Collegiate Times.