Collegiate Times

Virginia Tech’s campus is filled with nerds, jocks, partiers, professors and one special breed of college students: McComas ballers. Who are these “ballers” you ask? After class, these students flock to the McComas basketball gym like birds migrating south. They are more excited to play a game of pick-up basketball than a child on Christmas Eve waiting for Santa.

These intense, competition-driven basketball players don’t play for the love of the game. They play to do one thing — win. They go all out on every occasion. They treat every possession like it’s their last. There’s a loose ball rolling toward the three-foot thick concrete wall? Count on the McComas ballers to dive and save it and the game for you. Pain heals and chicks dig scars, right? (Thanks Nick Falco.)

Ballers travel in packs. Each one of them feeds off of the other. The alpha baller just dove for a bad pass heading toward out-of-bounds and called a timeout. Timeouts can be called in recreational basketball games? That just happened. And watch out because they are now pounding fists with explosions included.

Beware, these kinds of guys sound like great teammates, but who wants to play with someone who every time they touch the ball is yelling (hand signs included) “computer blue” or “wheel route x”? Who wants to get chewed out for not taking a charge from your 300-pound friend? No one does.

So you went to the gym for a nice game of horse or two-on-two? Not tonight, because these guys have other plans. You just got thrown into a game of five-on-five from hell.

The best way to save yourself from this nightmare is to be able to spot a McComas baller. There is nothing worse than walking right into a trap. Here are the best ways to spot this rare breed of individual.

More than one piece of Under Armour apparel: If for any second you thought this was the same guy from the Under Armour commercials screaming, “We must protect this house!” then stay away.

Any combination of two or more headbands, armbands and calf sleeves: No one person sweats enough to wear that many bands. This is a dead giveaway of a McComas baller.

Eye goggles: Kareem-Abdul Jabbar does not go to Tech; don’t be confused when you see eye goggles. Keep away from this baller.

Cut-off T-shirts: These are very common at gyms on college campuses but are popular on ballers. If you spot one you must stay away. Even if they aren’t the real things, you will still want to stay away from these hardcore gym rats. If they are wearing a long-sleeve Under Armour T-shirt under a cut-off T-shirt then run like hell and never look back.

Drawstring backpacks: These backpacks don’t have car keys, a wallet or a phone in them. Instead, they have pre-wrap and tape for wrists and ankles, a towel for any pool of blood that may occur after diving for loose balls and a shooter arm sleeve just in case they get cold from the free-throw line. Get out of there now.

Layup lines before the game: If by chance these ballers slip past you and are getting loose for the game by creating a layup line, this is a bad sign. Layup lines are meant for real teams like back in high school. Concede defeat immediately.

Use of a hype-man: Six guys walk onto the court and challenge you and your four friends to a game of five-on-five. You accept the challenge then realize the sixth man isn’t there to play. He’s there to cheer on his friends. He is fully equipped with a bullhorn and a towel (think Steelers terrible towels). You are doomed.

Now that you know what they look like you are all set to enjoy your McComas gym experience. There will be a time or two where you will be tricked by a baller who hasn’t done laundry in weeks, so he may be wearing regular workout paraphernalia. To combat this, you can do nothing but put yourself on the other team — and watch out for exploding fists.

A version of this article appeared in the Mar 18 issue of the Collegiate Times.