He said

There has been a lot of talk recently about "change." The truth is the Democrats merely have a chattering idealist as their "solution." The real "change" can be found in none other than Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, the Anna Nicole Smith to Sen. John McCain's old rich guy (a role he easily slipped into). Looking as though she could expand your Dewey Decimal System by a few extra call numbers, she is full of qualities that make her ready to take the position of vice president after November. Perhaps even as president, as McCain's health is always a question.

It's not as though she wasn't ready for the debates -- she shined as brightly as the scales of a Halibut last night. Namely because, in 1984, Palin won the Miss Wasilla beauty pageant, and we all know that beauty pageants have a rigorous question and answer section. If she one-upped the beautiful scholar-philosophers of Wasilla, then she'll have no problem disarming a foreign country's nuclear program by flashing those pearly whites, sucking it in and talking about world peace. Who knew politics could be learned in a bikini and a lightning round?

In one-on-one interviews, Palin is a hardened piece of political granite. On camera it may look as though there's a cluster of building blocks she's choking on every time she even attempts something resembling an answer/rhetorical question, but really she's just trying to string all those big thoughts together stored in that tight bun in the back of her head. Besides, Katie Couric, what's with all the questions about Russia? Let's talk about education and college. Palin has been to four different institutions.

Palin also cares about the environment. She loves the environment so much she married someone who knows something about handling it. Her husband, Todd Palin, works for BP and now holds a non-management position as to avoid conflict of interest. Since there is no connection between Palin and big oil, it's pretty much a weird coincidence that she wants to turn some Alaskan wildlife into refugees. Not to mention that she granted permission to Chevron to dump triple the amount of by-product waste into the Cook Inlet, which is a commercial fishing ground. But in the end, it's all good because when her husband comes home, she can embrace him and feel no guilt in breathing in the fragrance of collapsed habitats and dead baby moose that haunt his every move.

On that note, Palin also knows how to deal with animals in crisis. In May 2008, she told the Associated Press that the state of Alaska, under her noble and sassy guidance, plans to sue the federal listing that places polar bears and Cook Inlet baby beluga whales as endangered animals. Yes, your eyes read that. Yes, your brain is trying to digest that similarly to an oversized portion of a pretzel that almost took out the last leader of the free world. I don't know about you, but this was a good move. Bears and whales, if anything, need to have their populations cut down and controlled. I'm sick of having to wake up and chase the polar bears out of my trash in the morning when I'm not busy destroying the bald eagle nests that keep appearing in my gutters.

One of Palin's greatest talents is that she is a woman of many positions. We need somebody who can cover all bases and see all sides of an issue. You know, just like when Palin supported the construction of "the Bridge to Nowhere" or said that global warming wasn't man-made. Then, to get on the other side of it, Palin claims she never said those things. Some of these secondary claims were even espoused through McCain ads. This is a crucial skill necessary to the White House. A perfect example of change is the ability to erase parts of history.

In conclusion, I support McCain and Palin because there is something so distinctly American about Palin. A grandmother at 44 who is somehow riding the coattails of an old wealthy white man who could be a butt scratch away from death? Screw apple pie.

She said

Guys can no longer say that they have action figures, not dolls -- at least those who have spent the $27.95 to buy the doll of the 2008 Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin. 

According to Sifynews.com, toy company HeroBuilders immortalized the Alaskan governor in plastic both as "the executive," where she's clad in a black pencil skirt and blazer, as well as in "superhero form,"
Matrix-esque-trench-coat-white-mini-skirt-holster-bearing and all -- for two bucks extra. Top both off with the thick-rimmed black librarian glasses, and you've got the incarnation of every cliche male dream.

So does it surprise you that Palin is more popular among members of the male demographic? 

Cue vomiting.

I understand that the company produces dolls made of the other candidates, such as Obama, McCain and even Hillary Clinton, but I'm considerably annoyed.

Maybe I just fit into that (majority) female demographic that is overly critical of Sarah Palin. I'm a total feminist -- which already puts me at odds with her on some platforms, considering her staunch and frankly unbelievably backward stance on abortion (not even in instance of rape!) -- and I want our first major woman political player in the U.S. to represent women well. But she doesn't.

However, I find that American women take the wrong approach to dissecting her electability. They evaluate her family life over her political career: "Oh my goodness, her teenage daughter is pregnant. What a neglectful mother! It would only make sense that her failure to her maternal duty is just an introduction to the types of mistakes she'll make as vice president!"

Well, I'd say that if Palin had advocated teaching any other contraceptive measures other than abstinence and birth control in Alaskan school systems, maybe her daughter wouldn't have found herself in the predicament that she's in now. But you know, I'll give Bristol a little credit -- what is there to do in Alaska anyway?

Maybe she could have picked up a book in her spare time. Oh, but I forgot that Palin has taken preemptive measures to ban books in the local library of her town of Wasilla. She actually asked the town librarian what steps she had to take in order to have a couple books banned. I mean, really. I know Palin looks like a librarian, and she is close to Russia and all (that being her "foreign policy experience"), but is that really necessary? Thank God, the librarian told her to back off and to not even try. 

The poor animals of the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge didn't have that privilege. She actually took the reps of polar bears and beluga whales to court because she doesn't agree that they should be classified as endangered species. Can you believe it -- she practically eminent-domained animals on the verge of extinction because "Sarah Barracuda" was all for developing oil and natural gas in their backyard.

From "hockey mom" to vice presidential hopeful, Palin has certainly stirred things up on the national stage. But this isn't a basketball game or, God forbid, a beauty pageant. This is politics. This is the future of our country.

Isn't it bad enough that Tina Fey used Palin's actual, word-for-word responses to the questions posed by Katie Couric in her brutal, mocking portrayal of the Alaskan governor on SNL?  She has a hard enough time answering questions -- intelligently -- from reporters lately that her sugar daddy of a running mate had to step in and hide her from all the big bad reporters?

I really don't want to seem like some liberal who just feels like picking on poor Palin. I honestly see myself as a moderate, and I see both sides in every issue, but as person, and as a woman who is deeply interested in women's rights and treatment, her positions worry me to no end. 

Besides, she was a major in communication-journalism, and she definitely is not liberal. But at least she's pretty. You might be interested in...

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