"Liberals hate real Americans that work and accomplish and achieve and believe in God," said Rep. Robin Hayes (R-N.C.) at a rally two Saturdays ago, and while as an Obama supporter I'm disturbed by these comments, it is my sad duty to admit that what Hayes said is absolutely true. I'm more independent than liberal, but being from the communist part of Virginia (Leesburg), outside what Gov. Sarah Palin recognizes as Real America, gives me a special insight into the liberal mind. Too long have my liberal brethren languished in shadow; it's time to come clean, and though a certain voting bloc may find this column unpopular there are things that simply must be said.

I'll start with the most important crisis affecting our everyday lives: gay marriage. When liberals argue about gay marriage they use words such as "civil rights" and "equality," or they point out that the arguments against civil unions for gay couples are the exact same that were used against interracial marriage. Don't believe them. These arguments are part of an overall pattern of substitution that liberals use in public to confuse the electorate as to their true goals.

According to the Secret Liberal Agenda Field Manual (Glasnost Edition), "legalizing gay marriage across the country is only the first step. We then establish gay centers in every district and begin active recruitment at all levels using the Amway sales model. Everyone knows that being Gay is a choice, and by introducing 'The Gay' to children at a very young age, for example, we can convert 92 percent of the population by 2042, ending all childbirth by 2075 and thereby destroying America."

There is also significant empirical evidence that merely living next to a gay couple has the potential to destroy your family; 34 percent of couples were magically turned into salt pillars during the first half of 2008 alone.

Fortunately I'm not alone in my creation of imposing-sounding numbers. Recently, Dr. James Dobson received a letter from a Christian living in the post-apocalyptic nightmare that is 2012, after four years of an Obama presidency. The letter describes a grim future, with lots of explosions and partial nudity. Future Christian Jonah Elzorps' more harrowing predictions include a universal ban on speech, mandatory homosexual education in the womb and abortions for all. The letter lays the blame for this calamity squarely where it belongs: young, foolish evangelical voters who provided the slim margin Obama needed to defeat McCain. Sure, some might see this as a blatant attempt at fear mongering to keep younger evangelicals in line, but it's important to remember that liberals hate God.

Elzorp also mentions four U.S. cities hit by terrorist attacks (and throws Iran nuking Israel in there because if we don't keep reminding ourselves why we hate Iranians, it will be that much harder to invade this latest Paper Tiger), while Obama hides under his desk.

David Frum, Bush speechwriter and all-around Republican lackey, illustrated this Democrat foolishness recently on "The Rachel Maddow Show." "We are certainly going to have a Democratic Congress, maybe with an expanded majority. And that opens the way to some potentially very destructive changes, both at home and abroad ... there are people on the Democratic side who don't want to see the truth about the threats to America in the world."

By "people" he means "Obama," of course, and by "threats to America" he means "Democrats heart terrorism." Try this: The next time a Democrat points out that 9/11 happened during a wholly Republican administration, or that starting a civil war in Iraq is the reason that Al-Qaeda gained a fresh training ground, or that Pakistan is a hotbed of terror in part because of the Bush administration's unwavering support for Musharraf's horrible and ineffective dictatorship, just scream, "If we elect Democrats the terrorists win!" When you repeat it enough, this becomes true.

But most Americans agree that this is hardly the time to be worrying about the consequences of a war with Iran or where Bin Laden is. On "Hardball with Chris Matthews" recently, Rep. Michele Bachman (R-Minn.) called for sweeping loyalty checks to root out the commie bastards in our legislature. "I wish the American media would take a great look at the views of the people in Congress and find out, are they pro-America, or anti-America. I think people would love to see an expose like that."

Now, everyone knows that Obama is a socialist with a capital USSR, but most Americans are unaware that liberals were trained decades ago by the old Soviet Union. They operate now as sleeper cells, communists ready to serve mother Russia at a moment's notice. No, they aren't the corporate communists who run the military industrial complex Eisenhower warned of, or the ones that supported the bailout plan (very few clean hands here, on either side); liberals have our own special brand of socialism. The idea is to take everyone's money, do something or other, and then profit. But only for liberals. They cleverly mask this secret desire behind a veneer of taxing the rich more, and we make it sound like this is the way we've always done business, as opposed to the flat tax rate being proposed by nobody.

On a serious note, what I wanted to say was that I believe that there are well-meaning people on both sides who can disagree about the policies and people that they want directing our country. But when there are people on the right doing everything they can to divide us along lines that don't exist, as well as columnists in this paper shamelessly advocating bigotry, there isn't much choice. One has to laugh.

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