Collegiate Times

Mariah Jones/Collegiate Times

She said: PINK party disappoints avid follower 

Let me tell you something about Victoria’s Secret — we go way back. 

When I was a kid, my mother once told me Victoria’s Secret sold the devil’s panties. 

And I don’t know if you’re aware, but there’s nothing quite like banning a small, quiet Catholic girl from a store to make her heart burn for every piece of underwear a company’s ever made. 

That’s some heavy stuff guys. 

Now when I get upset, I don’t crave chocolate or go for a run to clear my head. I go underwear shopping. When I ace a test, get hired for a new job, or have a big presentation coming up, I go to Victoria’s Secret.

That’s the fieriest kind of brand loyalty you can get. No one could’ve gotten between my moderately priced undergarments and me.

Until Virginia Tech’s PINK party. 

Don’t get me wrong, I voted in that online challenge. And not just in the final rounds, mind you. I was registered on that silly PINK website and casting my ballot for the freaking nomination rounds.

I purposely skipped class the day of the finals so I could submit hundreds of votes in the last hour. I’m not ashamed to admit it. I was a woman possessed with the promise of a party and a truck full of free underwear.

In my head, this was going to be Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory — just with infinitely more yoga pants. I couldn’t dream of a better world than that.

What did I get instead?

A really big, junky stage clogging up the Drillfield for the better part of the week, a mediocre show I wouldn’t dream of sitting through, a gaggle of boys lining up to take pictures with B-list models, a messed up bus schedule, a huge heap of hate from people at other schools who thinks everyone at Tech is a mouth-breathing cheater and not a damn free panty in sight.

What gives?

I could’ve gone to the mall and listened to my iPod in one of their stores and had a better experience.

Should I have known better than to expect anything other than false hope from a company that manufactures bras to double your cup size? Sure. 

But I had such big dreams. Dreams that involved one of those swirling box-o-money machines filled with sparkly pink underwear that I could gather to my heart’s content.

I suppose if we’re being reasonable, I’d have to admit to you that I didn’t even bother to attend the PINK event. 

I’m sure some of you had fun. All possibility of fun disappeared for me the moment I learned ‘freebies’ were being handed out to only the select few, and were not even guaranteed to be underwear.

And I suppose if we’re being even more reasonable, I couldn’t have expected a legitimate business to give out thousands of free products to every girl at Tech.

However, we’re not being reasonable. 

I earned that panty party, dammit, and Victoria’s Secret didn’t live up to my
fantasies.

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A version of this article appeared in the Sep 14 issue of the Collegiate Times.