Walking the line: Stay in and sleep

Wednesday, October, 10, 2012; 11:08 PM | 25 | | Print

by Nick Cafferky, Managing Editor

Image: 2012-10-10 21:59:56

How many times have you heard this line: “It is your duty as a citizen of America to get out and vote.”

No doubt it has been a lecture you’ve heard from every crotchety old man, or button-wearing campaign promoter that has hassled you these past weeks when you were simply trying to go from point A to point B.

Regardless, in 2008 that phrase evolved — or devolved as it were — into the famous MTV sponsored campaign invented by P. Diddy called “Vote or Die."

Think about that. In one fell swoop, something that was a right and responsibility has been essentially turned into a threat by a Mr. Diddy, who is almost certainly less qualified to weigh in on politics than a run-over chipmunk that has been festering on the side of the road.

So, this year, I have decided to start my own campaign called “Stay in and Sleep.”

I know, I know, my new slogan sounds like a conservative’s sleazy attempt to convince younger citizens — who normally lean to the left — to not vote so the GOP candidate can win.

However, my intentions are actually set in a firm hope that our country might actually elect someone who is right for our population.

Now, I’m not here to say the American people have botched every past election, I’m just saying that even when we have gotten it right, it was probably done on accident.

You see, the result of the distinguished Diddy’s campaign is a bunch of 18-year-olds voting based on “Who looks like he’d represent our country,” or the even better, “He is the candidate of the party my parents raised me to believe is right.”

That kind of groupthink is what leads to a charismatic, but unqualified, candidate to be put in office.

And while that was a blatant stab at President Barrack Obama that wasn’t subtle in the slightest bit, many voters on the right don’t exactly do their due diligence when selecting a candidate either.

For instance, if a person uses the statement, “He looks like someone I’d like to drink a beer with,” as the reason he/she voted for a candidate, the ballot shouldn’t count.

I’d love to have a beer with Charles Barkley, but I’d sooner vote for that grilled cheese sandwich that slightly resembles the Virgin Mary.

For those reasons, my campaign will begin in full swing here in the remaining weeks. My workers will dress in pajamas and set up sofas on streets of cities all over the country and get people to pledge to sleep in come Election Day.

Why? Because if I can convince people to not vote by simply telling them it’d be easier to sleep in, there is absolutely zero chance that they were going to research the candidates’ views on major issues to form an educated opinion on which would look out for their personal interests.

A little cynical, maybe, but as someone that had just turned 18 when the 2008 election occurred, I had a lot of friends who couldn’t have differentiated Obamacare from the children’s game Operation.

My goal is to decrease voter turnout by roughly 83 percent, because according to a study that I have completely made up, only 17 percent of America is truly aware of what the candidates will do if elected.

It is because of this that the Electoral College still exists. Yes, people now have the ability to make an educated decision unlike when the system was created by our founding fathers. But they don’t, and I doubt there will be a day when they all will.

Would I prefer Mitt Romney? Maybe, although that preference is lessened just about every time he speaks these days.

But if my campaign works, and that 17 percent decides Obama, or Virgil Goode or even Barney the Dinosaur and his “I love you; you love me” stance on foreign relations, would be best to run our country, I’d have a hard time saying that we elected the wrong person.

Well, until the next election.

A version of this article appeared in the Oct 11 issue of the Collegiate Times.

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Kyle Lamers | # October 11, 2012 @ 7:51 AM — Flag Comment

I like this idea. Though I won't stay in and sleep, I still won't vote. Politics is boring.

Collegiate Times

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