Collegiate Times

Image: 2012-11-14 19:31:25

As everyone is well aware of by now, Mickey Mouse is now the proud owner of everything Star Wars — including the now-upcoming Episode VII.

For Star Wars nerds sevants, this is apparently a bad thing for some unknown reason; but for me, this is awesome.

Episode VII is going to be epic, if for no other reason than the 100-mile restraining order Disney will hopefully put on George Lucas.

Lucas might be remembered for creating Star Wars, but that was 35 years ago.  The Lucas of today is a man that found a way to ruin two of the most beloved series in cinema: Star Wars and Indiana Jones.

Aliens? Really?

I honestly believe that if Lucas decided he wanted to make another trilogy — which, for the record, he was planning to do until the debacles that were Episodes I, II and III — it would be a three-hour musical about Jar Jar Binks leading his people to greatness.

Lucas hid Indiana Jones in a refrigerator, created Jar Jar, and casted Hayden Christiansen to ruin Darth Vader and NBA Commissioner David Stern to play Darth Sidious.

OK, that last one is a lie, but look at their pictures; the resemblance is uncanny.

Regardless, though, Lucas will never be forgiven for his trespasses in my book.

Disney’s “John Carter” was a huge bust, true, but it was doomed from the start. The movie:

(1) was horribly marketed — I still don't have any idea what it is about;

(2) didn’t have an A-list actor and;

(3) didn’t have the brand equity of a Star Wars.

No amount of money could change that once the mold had been cast.

You know what movie nailed all three of those things? The Avengers — a movie Disney knocked out of the park.

That’s what you’ll see in the next Star Wars movie.

Even if it’s not, it can’t be worse than the prequels. The people saying they’re worried about the new movies ruining Star Wars have failed to take into account the fact that it’s already ruined. Lucas made sure of that.

A new trilogy could only redeem Star Wars, not sink it further.

But Disney isn’t purchasing LucasFilms for $4 billion just for a few movies; here’s where it gets fun.

I must say that I’m not a huge fan of the rumored TV show that could also be green lighted, but there’s one rumor that I’m in love with: a Star Wars theme park.

There is literally a 0 percent chance this doesn’t happen. After seeing how successful Universal Studio’s The Wizarding World of Harry Potter has been (I’ve been, and it was everything I hoped it would be), Disney should be salivating at the idea to do this.

Don’t forget, Disney teamed up with Lucas to make the simulation ride Star Tours in 1990, so they’ve already had this thought before.

I told a friend of mine about this idea and the look on his face could only be described as the one on a teenaged boy’s face when he sees boobs for the first time: eyes wide open, jaw on the floor and an inability to form sentences when trying to explain his joy.

Disney should start production now and open it with the release of it’s final movie. The new generation of children would be hooked by the recent movies enough to want to go, and just about every demographic that pretends they’re too old for amusement parks would be booking the first available flight to Florida to check it out.

Come to think of it, I need to get in touch with Disney to make sure this happens and that it hires me to coordinate everything. I swear I’m qualified.

Finally, what has Saint Walt Disney ever done to anyone? OK, let me rephrase that…

Aside from his hatred of the Jews, movies advocating slavery (that catchy song “Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah” comes from a full-length movie the NAACP described as glorifying slavery) and putting a penis on the cover of the Little Mermaid — what did he ever do that was so wrong?

A version of this article appeared in the Nov 15 issue of the Collegiate Times.