Collegiate Times

Image: 2013-02-13 21:18:43

Around the second or third grade, the entire male gender stops thinking girls are icky and starts developing their first crushes.

It’s a magical time really; the birds are chirping, “like” is in the air and for some reason, you get the weirdest feeling in your stomach every time that girl who sits next to you in social studies smiles.

Shortly thereafter, you form a second crush: your celebrity crush.

So, this being Valentines Day and all, I figured it would be fun to revisit that time in our lives and look at alternate universe where we actually got to marry the love of our seven-year-old lives. What would it be like?

Lance Bass

Things started out great with you and your beautiful pop star. You went on tour with him as he sung about how he was tearing up his heart while with you, and every girl hated you.

But then something weird started to happen when you guys hit puberty. Lance started avoiding your advances on him and he spent more and more time working out and in the boys locker room.

Finally, after month of dragging it out, he finally broke up with you … for some girl named Jennifer from his church group.

OK, just kidding. He broke up with you because he’s gay… and you made him that way.

Aladdin

This was the dreamboat of our dear features editor Emma, who decided that no one in the real world was good enough for her (not even me). She chose the fictional Aladdin because he was “obviously the cutest.”

There’s one small issue with Aladdin: at the end of the day, he’s still a street rat and alleged criminal. And once a criminal, always a criminal.

Sure he’s a prince now, but all that really means is that he has escalated to white-collar crimes. Aladdin was arrested for fraud, scamming Disney characters out of their life savings (Winnie the Pooh lost all 14 of his pots of honey).

Poor Emma. She now spends Valentines Day alone and is the wife of a man who ran Disneyland’s version of Enron.

Cory Matthews from “Boy Meets World”

Cory and Topanga’s romance was probably the first relationship that made our generation believe in the concept of love.

And while this is where I would usually explain how your love for each went astray, I’m not going to because Cory is the man.

You two still live happily together and are preparing for his new role as the father in his show’s spin off “Girl Meets World.”

Congratulations on picking a winner.

Honorable mentions: Justin Timberlake, Tarzan and the guys from Hanson

Lindsey Lohan

You met her at camp and the summer romance blossomed into a full-blown relationship. She even taught you how incredible delicious Oreos topped with peanut butter could be.

High school came around and she got hotter and hotter. You rubbed this in our faces of course, and failed to realize karma sucks.

Now that she’s the train wreck of Hollywood, you still love her, but it’s more in the way you love your sickly old dog. You remember the good times when she was cute and playful, and you ignore the fact that she’s mostly a burden and the reason you’re ashamed to have company over. Also, she’s seemingly aged seven times quicker than you.

All right, that was too easy.

Kimberly from Power Rangers

How could you not fall head over heels for the Pink Ranger?

But it never sat right with you that she kept hiding where she was going all the time, giving some crap excuse about saving the world from a giant monster for the third time this week.

At first, you secretly expected her to be cheating with Jason or Tommy, but then you realized she started every sentence with “Zordon said…” That bastard.

You confronted her about the affair, which she denied as she preceded to beat you up because, I mean, she’s a Power Ranger. You now have a 15-foot restraining order on her.

Amanda Bynes

Finally, here’s the love of my life.

Our relationship was never perfect, as teen stardom is rough on most people. She worked long hours and I was still in Virginia, making it a long distance relationship.

In 2010, she made the ultimate sacrifice to quit acting so we could be together without all of the limelight.

The past year was rough though, I’m not going to lie. Accusations of hit-and-runs and DUIs have been very hard on us, but I insist everyone is just jealous of our love.

She is still as beautiful as the day we “met.”

Honorable mentions: Alexa Vega (Spy Kids), Hillary Duff, Topanga and “hot blonde girl from Seventh Heaven” 

Court dismissed, bring out the dancing lobsters.

A version of this article appeared in the Feb 14 issue of the Collegiate Times.