Collegiate Times

Image: 2013-02-27 22:17:24

Last week, the student population of Virginia Tech was bombarded by one of the largest new sources of procrastination to hit Facebook in recent memory: “VT crushes.”

Just about everyone and their mother has stalked the page since it was created on Feb. 20, but just in case you have not heard of the latest fad that is sure to be forgotten by the time we leave for spring break, it is essentially a Facebook version of Craigslist’s “missed connections.”

People anonymously post comments about others they secretly admire, which range from “I think she is so beautiful,” to “If my name was ever released, I would have a restraining order with my name on it.”

It has spread so quickly that there is a Cold War-like showdown brewing between “VT Crushes” (2,193 likes) and “Virginia Tech Crushes” (3,326 likes).

I am actually awaiting the day that “Overheard VT” endorses one, while “VT Confessions” endorses the other, and the rivalry between the two divides the campus in a bloody civil war.

Together, though, they are a perfect mix of adorable, flattering and just down right stalker-ish comments.

The former is cute — an homage to elementary school when you would have your best friends give your crush a note to see if they liked you back.

But there is a fine line between being a secret admirer and a stalker, and in my experience, it usually has a lot to do with how attractive the admirer is.

A “hey, you’re cute,” might make my day, but a seven-stanza sonnet on how amazing I am might make me think twice about going on that jog without a rape whistle — even if you do look like Jennifer Lawrence.

Actually, that is a lie; Jennifer Lawrence can write me a sonnet any time she pleases.

The pages have really turned us all into stalkers, though.

Since almost every post has the person of interest tagged, it is almost impossible not to view their profile to see if they are “worthy” of the praise.

It is a whole new level of Facebook stalking, and while I have justified doing it as “research” for this column, I do not think I have felt creepier in my life.

I know I am not the only one doing it, but still. Maybe there should be a “Crushes Anonymous” group, where we can all get together to describe how the page has ruined our lives.

These pages make me wonder who is running them; whoever they are, they have more gossip on people than The Plastics did in “Mean Girls.”

I have always had this theory that whenever you google something, it goes to a computer at Google headquarters where some guy forever judges you because of that one time you searched “revenge porn” for a cyberspace law assignment.

That is exactly what is going on here, except there is the added chance of the person being someone you know.

Some guy out there is posting all of these and there is no way he does not know who some of these people are.

Right at this very minute, I bet he is sitting in his room, saying “LOL he likes her? She’s way out of his league.”

(And before you ask, yes, he is actually saying the “LOL” part.)

If I were ever going to post on it, with my luck, it would probably turn out that it is secretly a friend of mine, who would give me crap about it until the day I die.

Besides, we all know that I am married to Amanda Bynes, so it is not like I have any reason to post on it anyway.

I do have one final problem with the pages, though: why have I not been mentioned?

I am smart, funny, incredibly handsome and will forever be known as the guy that gets carried up the stairs to get into TOTS.

What is not to love?

OK, so I might talk about myself a lot. But as a wise, and possibly fictitious, man once said, “I like the sound of my own voice, and I will not apologize for that."

A version of this article appeared in the Feb 28 issue of the Collegiate Times.