I only have one tattoo, but it?s so cute I have to mention it. Inscribed on my right shoulder are the words ?Girls Rule, Boys Drool.? If I wear a sleeveless blouse in public, people shout, ?Nice tattoo, feminist loser.? But who cares what they think, right? I should be proud of the fact that I don?t have a wiener.
Another feminist feature I?m proud of is my menopause. I?d much rather experience complicated emotional, psychological and biological changes than pee standing up. Besides, I?m a naturally hairy girl, and if I were a boy, my mom says I?d have a really bushy back.
Before I continue my rant, I?d like to get my readers involved with a sing-along cheer, if only to set the mood for my totally boy-bashing tirade.
Follow my lead and you?ll do fine. After all, I was an ultra-popular cheerleader in high school, and the football team often complimented me on my unique gift for inventing catchy rhymes in the blink of an eye. My mom was a former cheerleader herself, and as she often reminded me, ?It ain?t no crime to make a rhyme.? So, if you?re ready to get pumped up, let me hear you shout with purpose, like you would if someone stole your prized makeup kit.
?Girls are good and girls are great, but boys are mean and always late. Girls are cute and forever romantic, so all those chauvinistic pig-boys can sink to the bottom of the Atlantic. Girls are like kittens ?cause we?re sweet and adorable, and boys make your bathroom smell stinky and horrible! Girls can be anything, like a beautiful singer, and boys play mean tricks like, ?Wanna pull my finger??? That was loads of fun. Now I?ll tell you more reasons why girls are the coolest and boys are the cruelest.
Women are fans of monogamy. Men are born cheaters. For example, just last week, I told my boyfriend to run by the supermarket to get some chewing gum. ?What?? he yelled. ?Did you say something about a threesome?? Before I could even correct him, there were two Swedish prostitutes standing in my living room.
Women appreciate the notion that good things come in small packages. Men crave bigger and better. They prefer a big-breasted broad to a flat-bosomed female. They favor a towering Tyrannosaurus Rex over a minute Mussaurus (or, as dinosaur experts say, the ?mouse lizard?). Case in point: When I bought my boyfriend a train set for Christmas, he frowned in disappointment. ?I don?t care if it?s a rare antique,? he whined. ?I?ve swallowed pills bigger than this.?
Girls think and act with their emotions. Boys think with their wieners, and having sex in a room with a strobe light is their idea of romanticism. If a guy really wanted to be romantic, he would put the toilet lid down.
Girls are mature, whereas boys are nothing more than babies with mustaches. Girls can function like an adult in the real world, where don?t give each other killer wedgies.
Girls remember stuff like birthdays and anniversaries. Boys remember stuff like their favorite bush to pee on coming home from the bar.
Girls know how to shop for groceries. We make a list and stick to it. We don?t wander around aimlessly like a shirtless crack addict. Girls are efficient and thrifty. Boys get high and buy the largest tin of animal crackers they can find. ?Ooh,? they roar. ?This one has extra monkeys.?
Girls love cats because we appreciate lovable, cuddly animals. Men despise these cute creatures. I once told my boyfriend I was going to bed, but when I poked my head out moments later, he was kicking my cat, just to boost his self-confidence.
?Listen to me,? he shouted at my cat. ?Don?t drink my liquor; don?t use my credit card on the Internet and don?t tell the other cats I have untreatable learning disabilities.? When my cat wouldn?t fess up, he took the poor animal by its neck and started to drown him in his own water bowl. ?I?m better at chess than you,? he yelled. ?And you suck at math.?