Collegiate Times

He Said

I think I speak for all students when I say that much of our time spent here at Virginia Tech is time spent in the company of drunkards. Whether you?re one of them or not is none of my business, but if you?ve been outside of your dorm room or apartment after 5 p.m., someone, somewhere around you has been drinking.

That being said, the time has come for Ashley and I to discuss the differences between intoxicated gentlemen and intoxicated ladies and the differences in how both are treated the days, months and years after intoxication.

For guys, I?d say that we?re all pretty well ridiculed by our brethren after an evening of embarrassing alcohol-induced behavior.

No good friend would allow demonstrations of intoxication to go without mockery and behaviors like passing out mid-coitus, urinating on any number of seemingly toilet-shaped household items and injuring one?s self in the name of drunken celebrity.

Now the coolness or likeability of a male drunk depends on what type of drunk you?re dealing with.

There are various types of male inebriates and each stumbling souse you see when you?re out can probably be lumped into at least one of these categories: the conversationalist, the Don Juan, the angry drunk and the king of all drunks.

Conversationalist drunks will pin you down and talk to you at great length about something that any sober person would find complicated and existential. This drunk is to be avoided unless you yourself are a bit juiced, in which case you will understand every slurred word dripping from this character?s already numb lips.

However, most male conversationalist drunks, after long tirades about the current political climate or some other inconceivably complex topic, will soon pin down an unsuspecting female and decay into Don Juan drunks.

Everyone knows the Don Juan drunk: the guy who just can?t stand being alone for the entire evening and will use everything in his power to land a companion. Male Don Juans are pretty annoying unless you are a female Don Juan (a Don Juanette), in which case you?ll get along quite well. On the other hand, Don Juanettes are appealing to both male Don Juans and desperate men everywhere, drunk or not.

Angry drunks are interesting, but since there are probably several of them reading this column, I?m going to say that they?re all outstanding citizens of the highest character.

The king of all drunks is extremely generous and mostly fun to be around if you?re drinking, but obnoxious otherwise. Typically, kings of all drunks hold their regal status for a night, then wake up and realize that they are broke, which is when they begin their careers as angry drunks.

So there you go. Male drunks in a nutshell.

I kind of feel like a salesman. Try all four varieties of male lush. 30-day money back guarantee on all angry drunks.

If you need me, I?ll be at the bar.

She Said

Why is it that when girls get wasted they end up on stage at Top of the Stairs with a chair doing a sloppy impression of Carmen Electra?s strip show workout video or PDA-ing in front of 100 strangers?

The type of girl doesn?t matter, either. It could be the most outgoing of all sorority girls or that girl who sits silently in the back row of at least half of your classes. If a girl consumes too much alcohol, she is bound to warp into a sexual predator, confident of any promiscuous acts in public or not.

The question is: why does alcohol bring out a sexual vixen in all girls? Is it that women want to be able to be that sexually free when sober but are just too shy to do so?

Alcohol is a depressant, as we all know. Or if you didn?t, you do now. So the reason that women act in ways they otherwise wouldn?t under the influence is clear.

However, the reason women take off their clothes, make out with people they?ve never met before and ? my favorite ? dance on bars when they?ve either never heard music before or lost the feeling in their legs and neck is a mystery. If you?re a college student who drinks and has ever gotten a little bit more intoxicated than you are proud to admit, there is a 99 percent chance you have participated in one of these acts.

Everyone loves a good ?walk of shame? in the morning. I even know a group of guys who made a ritual out of waking up early to sit on their balcony and watch all of the ?walk of shamers? leaving the rooms of all of those mystery make out men, sporting either their entire get-up they wore the night before or, another one of my favorites, a cute sequined tank top, a sexy pair of pumps and a mysterious pair of lacrosse shorts three sizes too big.

What would happen if girls acted this way when they were sober? Would men be more or less attracted to them? My guess is that women would like to be more open with their sexuality but are too timid to do so. In my experience, there is no greater turn-on for a guy than a confident girl out to have a great time no matter what she has to do to get it.

Sure, beer goggles help in some situations, but confidence is an underestimated resource. You can?t fake confidence, and in a lot of cases alcohol can be a great assistant in boosting one?s ego, but the walk of shame will just bring your ego back down ? sometimes lower than it was before.

If you want to get up on stage at TOTS to sing and dance, do it. If you want to make out with a guy you?ve been crushing on for the past two semesters, then go for it. But please, please don?t wait to do it when you?re slurring your words so bad the guy will think you have a lisp. There is no shame in having a good time, being who you are, and doing what you want. If someone has a problem with it, chances are they are jealous, because they wish they could be just as outgoing and confident as you.

But there really isn?t anything worse than being the girl drooling on herself while falling off the chair she was trying to use as a prop in a poor excuse of a seductive strip show in a bar full of strangers (or at least they were acting like strangers in an attempt to disassociate themselves from you).

Don?t get me wrong, I am the first person to sign up for a good time, all I?m trying to say is don?t hold off expressing the true side of yourself until alcohol does the expressing for you.

If you?ve ever heard the phrase ?alcohol brings out the truth,? it may be right in the case of frisky, drunk women, but in this case it?s a truth that should be avoided.