Collegiate Times

He Said

Apparently, there?s been an increase in violent females, most of whom probably get that way on the sports field or under the influence of Mai Tais, Mojitos and other girly drinks beginning with the letter ?m.?

Not to sound like a big nerd, but the only female fights I?ve seen in my life took place in Street Fighter video games, but I don?t suppose those really count.

Actually, one time, I saw two women fighting at a Baltimore Ravens football game, but they were both almost certainly drunk, since heavy drinking is a fan?s most logical reaction to the Ravens? sub-standard play.

Alcohol makes everyone get in fights though. Even the littlest fellow will, given a few drinks, look to get in a brawl. If the little fellow is lucky, he?ll get into a fight with something that can?t hurt him, like a cloud, a wall or a small rodent. If he?s unlucky, he?ll run into Russell Crowe or a violent woman looking for some action.

Now, I can see both sides of the debate over contentious females.

Being a diminutive, muscle-lacking individual with no experience in fighting, I have to say that I feel quite threatened by a woman that I know could destroy me.

But then again, I?m pretty sure that everyone could destroy me, so I?m threatened by everyone. Maybe I?m not the best example.

Say, for example, you meet a woman and you know that she?s opened up a can on more than one unlucky bar-goer. You take her out for a nice dinner and a romantic evening, but suddenly, you make a fatal mistake in the conversation:

?So, you?re looking well.?

?You mean I looked bad earlier??

?No that?s not what I meant.?

?Oh I?ll show you.?

?Hey! Put down that salad fork!?

You get the picture.

In any other situation, this might lead to a moment of awkwardness but in the company of a contentious partner (men included), an error like this could mean a week in the hospital.

Violent men and women act like they?re out to prove something and that makes for less-than-ideal social interactions. Take another example, like a violent vixen helping you move out of your apartment:

?Oh that?s alright, I?ll get the drawers.?

?So are you saying that I?m not strong enough??

?No, it?s just that you?ve done enough. I can get this last thing.?

At this point, you pick up the drawers and your violent companion slaps you in the face and kicks you in the jewels, forcing the drawers to fall from your hands and onto your toes. Thanks for the help pal.

Excluding acts in the interest of self-defense (which are good things), most small acts of violence serve no other purpose than the stroking of an ego. This is no good. They should make a patch or some sort of gum that, when used, slowly deflates one?s ego. Egotrol, they could call it. I?d do the commercials. ?Slow your roll with Egotrol.? I don?t have any of the scientific details of what it would take to create such a product, but at least the marketing is already written.

Now on the other hand, it?s generally accepted that men find a catfight quite enjoyable to watch. Men like these brawls for the same reason we like women?s tennis: the grunting and the sweating. It?s enthralling. It just is.

Also, if a guy can get a girl on his side, meaning she?s outwardly violent to everyone else but him, he?s set for life. You don?t need the police when you?ve got a girlfriend that can beat people on your behalf.

Of course, that is a bit exploitative, as a woman should be more than a security system.

Basically, it?d probably be best if everyone stopped fighting everyone. So stop it. Watch boxing. If you want a catfight, start watching female tennis. It?s like a diet catfight. All the flavor of a regular catfight with none of the guilt.

Peace.

She Said

In this month?s issue of Glamour, I opened up the magazine expecting to read about the 10 easiest ways to look better when waking up in the morning, but instead I found an article on violent girls ? in Glamour. Apparently, a 17-year-old slashed another girl with a broken liquor bottle over an argument about a boy, and a seventh-grade girl stabbed a boy at school.

Women are emotional, which is not a surprise to anyone who has ever encountered a woman before. They are sensitive and hard to understand. Men on the other hand are relatively simple, and when they come across conflict they deal with it, sometimes with violence. In today?s society, women seem to be dealing with conflict in the same fashion.

Is blaming movies, containing violence among women, like ?Tomb Raider? with Angelina Jolie or ?Charlie?s Angels? with Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore and Lucy Liu a substantial argument?

I don?t think so. There has been violence in the cinema among men since the beginning of movies, but there has also been violence among men long before movies were even a figment of someone?s imagination. No, women beating each other up over things like boys, clothing or maintaining status in one?s school or social group has nothing to do with the movies. It is not uncommon to see a ?catfight? break out among two girls anymore, and what?s even more common these days is to see one of the girls or both actually getting seriously hurt.

Girls will do almost anything to get a guy?s attention. However, fighting is the one thing that girls do that has nothing to do with impressing a guy. A girl fight in the past, and I?m talking from ?Little House on the Prairie? all the way to ?Grease,? would be the most unladylike thing that a girl could do. To be unladylike in the past was like a kiss of death, and over the years, women have found the courage to upgrade their place in society and being ladylike now doesn?t mean wearing a dress while playing a game of hop-scotch and holding a multi-colored swirly lollipop.

Women don?t have to be overboard feminine anymore, and may I just say thank God.

In today?s society, I believe that a woman being able to protect herself or those she loves is important and even useful. However, to physically fight over such an issue ? such as when another girl is wearing the same shirt as you to a party ? is outrageous and pushing the limits of being a woman.

It is not easy being a woman these days. It has always been difficult, so women feel the need to put on a front to let others know not to mess with them ? but it is still a front. I guarantee that most women who get into unnecessary physical fights are really scared and fragile on the inside, which is why they feel the need to hide it with an aggressive fa?ade.

It is another sad side note to men who think a good catfight is sexy and entertaining to watch. In some cases, two women flailing their limbs, grabbing each other?s hair and clawing at each other like two cats (go figure) is somewhat amusing to watch. Such cat fights are showing up in beer commercials and funny movies like ?Old School,? but those cat fights are a little less than realistic with girls wrestling in a pool of KY jelly and wearing bikinis. I know when I?m pissed at a girl the first thing I do is strap on a good string bikini, do my hair and make-up and run to the drug store to pick up 200 bottles of KY jelly.

The reason girl fighting is so entertaining to watch is because the worst thing that could happen would be a broken nail, God forbid. But girl fights have become much more violent and much more of a wake-up call to society. They need to be addressed in a more serious manner before that amusing catfight ends up with worse consequences than a broken nail.

So the next time you see a fight break out unnecessarily between two girls, think of the 17-year-old girl slashed with a liquor bottle and be mature enough to break it up.

Girls aren?t so much sugar and spice anymore.