Collegiate Times

Here we are friends, at that final stretch of classes before the semester ends. As such, this is one of the last columns you will read in the Collegiate Times before 2006. When pondering what to write about, I always make it a point to peruse what?s been printed recently on this opinions page to see if anything merits a response.

Based upon the past two days, the war (or nation building) in Iraq is a hot topic for discussion. Then there was the news story earlier this week about how the New Voters Project did not properly follow Virginia guidelines in registering students to vote. And, of course, there?s always plenty of discussion to be had on how our current political system exists to perpetuate a simplistic and divisive left-right, black-and-white outlook on life.

But as Governor-elect Tim Kaine said during his campaign, it?s time to move forward. So for my last column of 2005, I make my predictions on what to expect in the year 2006.

We will not leave Iraq. America is at war with Iraq. America has always been at war with Iraq.

In preparation for the upcoming Rapture ? scheduled to happen in 2012, for all you sinners yet to change your ways ?we will see more and more people out in their front yards jumping into the air. You have to get a few feet off the ground on your own to avoid being left behind.

In an effort to promote gender equality, women?s groups will have all urinals removed from men?s restrooms so that it will no longer be so convenient to go while standing up. The male response to this change will result in the death of most bushes and trees on campus.

The glass ceiling will still exist.

Soccer will continue to gain popularity in this country as a spectator sport. This is good, since American sports fans currently don?t quite know how to riot like their European and Latin American counterparts.

The Town of Blacksburg will install bicycle lanes on every major and secondary road. Blacksburg Transit will be improved to the point that everyone has a regular bus route within one block of their house. People from Northern Virginia will still drive 5 minutes to campus so they can spend 15 minutes walking to their nearest class.

The Daily Show will still give more fair and balanced news coverage than any other news show.

An unsealed CIA report will reveal that JFK is not really dead but has been held incommunicado at Guantanamo Bay along with Elvis, Jimmy Hoffa and Tupac.

We will amend the US Constitution to allow foreign-born citizens to be president, paving the way for Arnold Schwarzenegger to run in 2008 against Hillary Clinton. People will debate for months over who is uglier.

The people of West Virginia will finally come to realize that they can?t run things very well on their own and ask to re-join Virginia. We will refuse their request out of spite.

Sexual liberation will be heightened by the ever-increasing popularity of in-house sex-toy parties. Despite this, men will still have to buy women a few drinks before they get lucky.

Political correctness will finally get to the point where I can list my race as Scotch-Irish-Ukrainian-American on surveys and government forms.

Congress will approve oil drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, which will really spoil the view for the 12 tourists who plan on visiting next year.

Starbucks will follow McDonald?s lead and start putting stores in Wal-Mart Supercenters, so we can now be fat and wired while we shop for cheap, plastic crap.

We will discover clear and compelling evidence that Darwin?s theory on the origins of life was wrong. And as every good scientist knows, this automatically will prove intelligent design to be correct.

Republicans will continue to be indicted. Not to be outdone, elected Democrats will be indicted as well, and eventually we?ll realize that all 535 members of Congress are, in fact, criminals.

And the Rivermill will still be the best bar in town.