Collegiate Times

As with most college towns, the area surrounding our campus is characterized by sprawling apartment complexes, a Wal-Mart and, most predominantly, bars.

It seems that every other street-front shop in downtown Blacksburg serves alcohol en masse, except for that stretch where all those barbershops are. Those don?t serve alcohol. And if they did, I?d imagine that the hat-wearing would grow in popularity.

From a typical guy?s perspective, bar-hopping downtown is like being a kid in an alcohol-drowned, sexually-charged candy store that charges more than it really should. Yes, you?ll find a place that you like. Yes, you will meet girls. Yes, you will spend a whole lot of money and weep at its absence in the morning.

But, as in any situation, different guys will work better at different bars. A dark-haired, lanky fellow who wears thick-rimmed glasses and Doc Martens might find the Top of the Stairs an oppressive place. But The Cellar might be right up his alley.

The Cellar is where you go when your cultural and artistic prowess is so beyond that of a normal human being that, after lecturing a girl on the cinema of Lars Von Trier for two hours, you fear that the lady?s head would explode, blown away by the barrage of knowledge just related to her with consummate grammar and diction.

But alas, no heads will explode in The Cellar. Someone will get what you?re talking about and will most likely know more than you.

They also have some solid, albeit pricy, beers on tap. Good food too. In general, it?s a cool place. Each bar has its own distinct character and each guy will find a home depending on who the gentleman is, as in the example above, or what the gentleman?s looking for.

For gentlemen in search of the always-popular combination of alcohol and sharp objects, try the Underground. In addition, for men who have just returned from the optometrist and have had their pupils dilated, try the Underground. It?s dark in there.

For men who can dance (or at least you think you can after three or four pitchers) try Cinco De Mayo on Draper Road. For men who want to go to a strip club but don?t feel like driving all the way out to West Virginia, go to TOTS. There will be girls there. They will be dancing. They will, more than likely, be wearing clothes that could barely pass for gauze pads.

There?s a place for everyone.

For this reason (the fact that the bars are diverse and can suit any man?s needs), the bars downtown are great. Music is playing constantly and it?s typically either a pleasantly stupid rock song or a song that?s going to make girls dance. Drinks are plentiful. Women are everywhere. Life is good.

The only bad part is that as the number of women increase and the chances of you buying drinks for them goes with them, then your bankroll decreases. And it?s not a gradual thing either. You?ll have money one moment and then you?ll get confident, become the king of all drunks, buy every girl in the bar a drink, and, the next morning, go down to Montgomery Regional and sell a kidney to pay rent.

For the sake of your kidneys, choose your bars wisely and go for the happy hours. It?s not like the big cities where Happy Hour is literally only an hour and includes discounts on drinks other than mixers that taste like rubbing alcohol mixed with prune juice. There are a lot of solid deals and most places? happy hours are longer than you?d imagine. In any case, the bars in this town are great as long as you?ve done a little research prior to your night out, and hey, if you see me in a bar, mention this column and I?ll buy you a drink*.

*Note that by ?drink,? the author means ?small glass of water.?