Collegiate Times

To begin my column on the topic of males who cry during movies, I must begin by telling the cutest story you?ve ever heard. If you?ve heard something cuter than this, please send it to me and I will attempt to publish an apology for my overstatement, then steal your story, tell everyone it happened to me, sell your story for a movie, make billions and call you a liar when you sue me.

In any case, I?ve only cried at one movie in my entire life. I?ve been close to crying in some films (mainly films that speak to the humanity in us all, i.e. anything starring Rob Schneider), but it really just doesn?t happen.

The one time I did, and this is the cute part, was when I was really young and I saw a film that apparently dealt with Rosa Parks? refusal to give up her bus seat in 1955 and the Montgomery Bus Boycott that followed. According to my mother, I cried because I was ?just so sad it had ever happened? (To clarify, I was sad that the prejudice ever happened. The refusal and the bus boycott ? that was all good stuff. I was sad about the racism).

Wait a minute. Quiet. Did you hear that? Oh yeah. That was everyone reading the column releasing one collective ?Aww.? Come on though. That?s adorable.

I have no recollection of this actually happening, but only the reliable testimony of my mother, who, having predicted that chubby little Jake might have some trouble with the ladies later on in life, might?ve just told it to me so that I had a cute story to tell girls to get them to like me. Suits me.

Whether it?s true or false, there?s something about a guy that can cry at a movie though isn?t there girls? It might show a level of sensitivity that might be lacking in the guy who only watches films that feature explosions, nudity and some miscellaneous superhero.

But guys, before you go out and buy jugs of Visine to put in your eye at the right moment, take a moment to consider the fact that girls really don?t want to see you cry.

A lot of girls say ? and probably believe that ? in fact, they would love to see their male partner cry. They don?t always come out and say it, but sometimes you can tell.

?I rented a movie.?

?Which one??

If the girl rents ?Rudy,? ?Rocky,? or ?The Mighty Ducks,? she?s trying to get you to cry. She?s going for your sports weakness. She doesn?t want to see these films. She wants you to weep like a little girl.

I?m not entirely sure why girls think this but either way, girls, you really don?t want to see us cry. Stop asking. You won?t look at us the same.

For example, what do girls say when they see a guy crying in a movie or TV show or something?

?Oh that?s so cute.?

This is also what girls say when they see a four-year-old kid with snot dribbling down his nose.

You don?t want us to cry as much as we don?t want to cry in front of you. Crying, in our society, is something that ?real men? don?t do, and even if you disagree with the philosophy, you still don?t want to see it.

Now, before I get a lot of angry mail, let me say that crying is in no way feminine. Guys cry and this is ok. And I don?t think it?s just at movies like ?Rudy? or ?Friday Night Lights? either. I know more men that cried at ?Schindler?s List? and ?The Passion of the Christ? than would probably ever cry in a sports movie (all of which are fun to watch but, let?s face it, terrifically predictable).

And if a guy cries, it only means that he has feelings. Good for him. Let him show them, unless you want him to start bottling them up, which is when things go bad for everybody.

Everybody cries. We?re not all that different.

Did you hear that? I think I heard another collective ?aww.?