Collegiate Times

He said:

Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

I?m not a fan of lying. I dare say that it?s worse than pouring a bowl of cereal then realizing you don?t have any milk. Do you want to know the sick part? It?s necessary.

?Shenanigans!? you may exclaim awkwardly in your quiet room. Well, let?s go over some of the lies every guy keeps in his back pocket to get a girl and hold on to her. Let me know if any of this sounds familiar.

So, there?s a girl I really want to call. Can I call her? Sure. Should I call her? No. Why? Girls don?t like guys who actually call them.

Girls want to wander downtown desperately trying to get in touch with the guy who just doesn?t care instead of the guy who actually does. If you want to get a girl, lie to yourself and say you just don?t care. Lie to her by acting as nonchalant as humanely possible. It works all the time. This preliminary serenade of poppycock needs to be chronicled for posterity?s sake.

But what is a lie? There are verbal mistruths like ?No, you don?t look fat in that,??I don?t care where we eat,??I didn?t drink that much? or ?Nothing,? but are they unethical? If anything, they?re expedient. What?s the point of upsetting a girl unnecessarily? Sometimes the truth just sounds weird. Try saying ?They weren?t strippers, baby, they were amateurs.? See how that works for you.

Guys lie physically, too. Body language owns girls. I?m not just talking about sucking in your gut around the pool. Confidence is a sport. Sometimes you have a great season or two and everything works out. Other times, you?re in a hitless slump or struggling, making a living doing off-brand shoe commercials. Everything depends on maintaining the illusion of confidence. It?s just a part of the pageantry that surrounds dating.

Speaking of masquerading, let?s talk about the bedroom. For all of the boisterous jokes that involve women ?faking it,? there?s the quiet tale of some guy that fooled his girlfriend so he could watch Adult Swim and eat a sandwich. That?s what I?m talking about. You girls might outbox us going into the later rounds but we always win the points match. I?m sorry ? or am I?

The point is that when guys lie, most of the time it?s just to keep things running smoothly. Tedious relationships ? both temporary and long term ? are Bad News Bears. But there still are those lies, by both guys and girls, that end up being more hurtful than anything. It would be nice if we could all avoid those, wouldn?t it? However, the tangled webs we weave somehow have their place in this world, just like everything else. Maybe that?s what Ralph Waldo Emerson was talking about way back whenever.

She said:

?Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies.? Actually no, don?t tell me any lies ? you?ll just make me really angry. While body odor and bad breath are two characteristics I find intolerable among the opposite sex, nothing is worse than a guy who is dishonest. Thank God the Pinocchio fairytale isn?t true? it would be impossible to go to a bar with all of the lying that goes on. ?No, I don?t have a girlfriend.? Your beer spills. ?Wow, you are so beautiful.? His nose is now violating your personal bubble. ?I?ll call you tomorrow.? His nose is hitting you in the forehead.

Continue Reading: 12 Next »